Closure.....September 7, 2012

Closure....

September 7, 1985 - May 2, 2011
9,369 days or 25 years, 7 months, 26 days

If It’s Monday, It’s Mama (written on Thursday….now I understand why the delay) 

To my Sweet Madison Elizabeth Jewel…… 

Since Monday was Labor Day, I vacationed from writing.  But, on Tuesday, I had no words.  Wednesday was no different.  As you know sweet daughter that is unusual, even for me….(said with a smile).

Now I know why. 

Rather than focus on all the happenings in your life these past few days (car, flood, school), I want to let you know something about you…

You are growing.

You are maturing.

You are walking closer to God. 

It is evident in how you are learning to handle things. 

You said to me almost a year ago to the day, “Mama….you know…when you can have peace and quiet and calm in your life, you can give better thought to how you are going to handle things and you make better decisions”.  (actually, you were a little more blunt than that about how differently our lives were).

 At the time, if you remember, I cried. 

You didn’t say those words to help me, but they did. 

In a sea of anguish, your words inadvertently let me know the hard decisions I had made had, in fact, led you to a place where you could have calm and peace and quiet….a place where better decision-making could be made.  Please forgive me for not taking that path earlier in your life.  Please forgive me for allowing you to get to that wrong path to start out with…and, I know you do. 

And so, here you are today…. 

I am not certain why some people have a few more hurdles in life to handle than do others. 

But, in this I am very confident.  Your ability to understand and have perspective on your life is something of which I am very proud.  You understand that so many suffer….hurt…..have sorrow in ways which are beyond our ability to imagine. 

I understand you are working on outwardly expressing less and inwardly focusing more…..you are a youthful 22.  But, I am grateful for the steps you are taking to “take charge” of your life and work through your past so that your future will be one which gives God all the glory. 

I know with my Mother’s heart, if you will continue to lean on HIM, HE will show you your path for your life…..and, He is even now.

I pray daily that all that you have learned in your 22 years, you will be able to use to serve others.

 I have changed the way I pray for you…. 

Now, I pray for God to gift you with a joyful, calm and peaceful life.  That HE protect you from harm and that He lead you to Godly decisions.  That God give you the discernment to make wise and thoughtful choices.  That he will remove road-blocks in your path. 

I pray that from the top of your blonde head to the bottom of your little stinky feet, that God will BLESS your life immeasurably…. 

That you will throw your heart and soul into living for Him and that He will protect your soul so that you can.

I pray for boldness…..the ability to decline sinful behavior.   

Mostly, I pray in thanksgiving….that of all of the babies in the entire universe, for some reason I will never fully understand, He has given you to me.  Your mama….mother….friend.   Not a day goes by that I don’t give thanks to Him for you… 

I ask that you take a few minutes to read Psalm 51…… 

God’s greatest gift to us is to love us unconditionally….all the time…in all ways. 

Our gift in return is to love ourselves…the vessel He has made us to be and to share that love with others giving credit to God so that others may come to WANT to know Him because they have met us.

I leave you with this Mother’s blessing…..I pray, starting this very moment, that God protect you from harm, lead you to wise-thought and forever help you to fully understand what a precious Jewel you are to Him….to me….to us.

ILYAOYMC,

Mama

 

 

 

 

 

The Little Details….Evidence that “Love really does Live Here”

It is always such that when my children are away from me for extended periods, which is a rare occurrence, my thoughts give sway to the little details I miss when they surround me.  I am not certain why that happens….maybe that is God’s way of breathing life back into a Mom’s life to refresh and renew her for the times when child and Mom are together. Perhaps it is for her to re-grow a GRATEFUL heart for these gifts God has given her.

This focusing on the little details does not happen all of a sudden, the minute the children leave..bustling out the door, overnight bags in hand, quick goodbyes and brief hugs given…in daughter’s case an “I love you…work hard” or “have fun” as she heads out to work or on a date.

It happens quietly mostly.

As I lay in bed, it comes in the non-noise of the house, where little IPods normally would play in the morning or in the non-singing in the shower as children are not here to get ready for the next event in their life.

Doors to bedrooms normally closed, almost shut, are wide-mouth opened as if to shout…they are not here today…they are off on a grand adventure!

I notice things not more, but differently, when my children are not warming the heart of our home…and, it is in the littlest of ways that I know they are off..

I hear the birds at our window singing as if to keep me company in the absence of children’s speak.

I peek out windows and see leaves on ledges, evidence of the coming of Fall and reminding me of once-little hands which drew and hung leaves in our kitchen…a Fall art project.

I walk past daughter’s room and see evidence of her college life in the books and homework laying on the bed which is mingled with the blue of medical uniforms awaiting laundering and the smell of the sweet scent which is reminiscent of a walk down a peach grove in Georgia.  My daughter’s room is like opening a treasure box of all the things which matter to her in life….blanketed around her space like a bracelet around her heart.

I walk softly and barefoot down the hall to my oldest-by-thirteen minutes- son to find a neat and tidy abode with posters no mother really appreciates but allows as his expression of free speech.  This son is a worker as evidenced by golden arch uniforms and he is a lover of books of which there are many.  Locked up boxes and treasure chests from his youth are given places of honor among the adult wallet, phone chargers and favorite photo of our beloved family dog.  It is a man-child room with equal blending of manly necessities and childish treasures. 

Finally, at the end of the hall I walk to my youngest-by-thirteen minutes-son’s room.  Neatness and tidiness is not his goal as is evidenced by a room whose inhabitant flys in and out of it in a fast and furious flurry.  Sports gear is all thrown to one side, date night clothing sport a spot on the desk.  Books are not so abundant but treasures are.  Notes to and from a girlfriend, rocks collected as a little boy, wet stone given to remind him of a recent service adventure to Whetstone Boys Camp.  Bed clothes barely mussed, clothes hardly hung, clearly this son spends many hours elsewhere in the house but it holds a warmth and manly scent of a boy becoming a man which lingers out his door and down the hall.

And, in those little moments when my prayers for my children flows through their hallway and upon their room, I pause in gratefulness.  They are not perfect children, but they are mine. 

Is this, I ask myself in the quiet, how God feels about us?

It is a gift I do not take in even the slightest, lightest fashion.

I like to think I know them well.  I pray I know them some.

Mothering a child is a humble occupation.  Whether you stay at home with your babies or work outside the home, I am not sure it matters.  What matters is that you live in authenticity and truth with them.

You can only do that if you hold their hand and walk with God.

You can only do that if you personally are walking with God.

It is the one thing a mother can do which will make all the difference to her children.  Walk….constantly, consistently and whole-heartedly with God.

I am growing past the stage of needing to constantly remind myself and everyone around me that YES, I know that I have failed in this endeavor many times.  That, no, not even in the slightest measure, have I been the perfect mother.  It is no longer my goal. Now, my goal is to be honest with my children about my imperfections and point them to Him who is perfect….but greater still, who does not expect in them perfection, but rather in glorifying. Him.

So, on this Sunday, as my children spend time away from me, I am grateful.

That God would so find it in his heart to entrust me with such a treasure….

I am humbled beyond measure.

I am grateful beyond words.

And, I pray that never do I take lightly this gift of Motherhood….

That all of the little details HE sets in our home to remind me of what a blessing I have been given, are etched upon my heart in such a way as to carry me through when life would ask that I forget…

What great treasures I have been given….

Blessings,

Lesa

If It’s Monday, It’s Mama

 

Week 2, Junior Year 

 I spoke with you early this am….I texted you at a time when I thought you would be getting ready to leave work and go to school.  We spoke “business”….school, books, tuition, the “un-fun” things of life, but the necessary.

Those are conversations I don’t always enjoy because anytime you speak of hard work and hard things, the discussion can be hard. 

I left our conversation wishing I had just texted you “Good Morning, ILYAOYMC”. 

Sometimes, the mother in me wants to talk out the business of life so you can set your feet on the right path.  But, oft times, what would be a better thing to do is to just love you and let you figure it out for yourself.

After speaking with you, I then had a similar experience with your brothers. 

What is wrong with today??? 

I felt like going back to bed and putting the covers over my head…. 

And, then I thought…

No….there are those who have such greater challenges in their lives than do we.  We have battled through much in our life as a family, we can handle this little thing of a bad business Monday.

So, instead, I prayed.

I prayed that God would give you the energy to get to school from Lexington (after a 13 hour shift with no sleep).  I prayed for peace to fill your heart.  I prayed that God would favor you in some way today so that you would see Him working in your life.

I prayed that the “business” of school would fall into place, that work would allow you a reprieve in hours so that you can do your school work.  I prayed for book purchases, financial aid and parental assistance to aid you.

I mostly prayed for your faith to grow large. 

A lot of life is about taking our struggles, worries, insecurities, frustrations, broken heartedness, and even or feelings of loss and giving them over to God and NOT taking them back.

I pray you grow in the ability to do this.

Mostly, I prayed that as you went through your day, you felt God’s love, the love of your family, the hope for your future, the faith that God has good things planned for you.

I prayed that He would replace negative thoughts with positive intentions.

I prayed for you to physically get rest and emotionally grow peace.

I prayed for laughter in your room and joy in your step.

It is 1:27pm and I have frankly prayed off and on most of this day.

And, I will continue to pray….knowing that God hears us and answers us.

I love you.  I pray your “Monday” turns out wonderful.  I hope you can get outside, even if for but a few moments, and walk barefoot in the ravine.  I hope you can get some fresh air and exercise and eat healthy.

I pray that the end of this Monday is turned into something beautiful.  Maybe God will put in your path a new friend, or a person you are able to help, or a trip to Wal-mart to buy binders which you can organize and decorate so you feel more in control of your studies.

I will end this day as I should have started it….but telling you what is really on my mother’s heart.

It is very simple.

 

I Love You….As Only Your Mama Can.

Forever and one day,

If a Mother’s prayers make any difference in a daughter’s life,

 

Then, you can be comforted in knowing that your day has been blanketed.

ILYAOYMC,

Mama

 

Never Forget....

Never Forget….

Life has a way of teaching, if you but listen.  Some souls learn quickly and simply and some not so much. But, ultimately, at the end of the day or the closure of our life, the lessons were there….it’s in our ability to see them and to learn from them that we are changed and that we grow. 

I am no exception.  I think I was a “middle of the road” learner.  Some things, I soaked up like a sponge and other lessons, I just did not get easily.  Some…I still wait to learn. 

But, there are some lessons which have been seared on my heart which I never want to forget.  They are the top of a long, lengthy list which I have started to add to my “Never Forget” journal. 

I learned about the power of a “Never Forget” journal after hearing the words of Kay Coles James at a Women’s Conference many years ago.  Kay spoke to an audience of Christian women, imparting those lessons she had learned in life in a real and intimate way.  Kay had grown up in the poverty of public housing to eventually be one of the most powerful women in the White House during the Senior Bush Presidency.  This was no simple journey and she did not “make nice” in the telling of how hard it was for a young, black, mother of three (she was/is married) to make it out of the slums and into the White House.  I can still hear her voice…deep and strong and bold, reverberating on the soul of my young-mother’s heart compelling me to take a good, long look at myself and of the responsibilities I undertook the moment I became a mother. 

Her words have been on my heart all of these years and top my list of my “Never Forget” List of Life lessons:

1)  Love the Lord with all of your heart, your soul, your might.  There is a Godly order in which to love others.  Study His Word and you will find out what that is and go and obey it.

2) Marry a Godly person whose life draws in your soul the desire to love the Lord most. 

3) If you save every child in the World but fail in the raising of the children God gives to you, you will have failed in your #1 mission in life as a mother.  Raise them to know HIM intimately.  Then, let the Lord have his way with your children.  Do it on purpose. 

 

And then, there were lessons from others:  Godly parents, a sibling, and dear friends:

4) Always be striving to be growing spiritually and in the Lord.  This affords a protection of your heart. 

5) Seek out the goodness in others and let go of that which is not good. 

6) Live in the now....ask God to renew your heart daily. 

7) Think appropriately of yourself. You are a child of God and have great worth, be courageous; You are a child of God and are called to serve others.  Be humble. 

8) Be authentic.  This is one of my greatest strivings.  I have lived with inauthenticity in myself and in others.  God cannot live in that environment.  I choose to be authentic and real. 

9) Give of your means.  Don't just give the "interest" or the left-overs to others; give from the center of anything you give because that is where the heart lies. 

10) Forgive.  Seek forgiveness and give forgiveness.  Let go when others do not. 

11)  Tell the truth.  One of the greatest pieces of advice I was given through my divorce was to "tell the full truth and it will set you free".  That was Godly and sage advice.  And, it has. 

12) Never believe YOU have all the answers; never feel you don't have anything worthy to say. 

And, some lessons have come from strangers: 

13) Be yourself.  Don't try to be who others would have you be.  Be who God made you to be. 

14) Laugh.  A lot.  Laughter is one of God's ways given to us to cleanse our souls. 

And, the Greatest lesson comes from Him: 

15) Love

There are many more lessons in my "Never Forget" journal....some intimately powerful, some drawing me to my knees in humility.  All, give me pause to think and the opportunity to see from where I have come on this journey of life. 

Ultimately, at the end of the day it boils down to one true lesson for me. 

Love. 

It is really that simple. 

Love covers many things, all things, everything. 

It seasons the hard times with a softening; it tenders the sad times with gentleness; it covers the good times with humility. 

It is free to the giver to give and free to the receiver to receive. 

It is my life's greatest lessons. 

Blessings,

Lesa

 

 

 

 

 

If It is Monday, It is Mama…..Week 1, Junior Year 

“This past month I have prayed for strength and the ability to cling to hope. This next month, I will be praying to have unconditional faith in God, and patience.”    ~Madison McKenzie

When a mother has cause to catch a glimpse into her daughter’s prayer life, it is a Holy opportunity.  When that daughter is specific in her prayer life, you know the goodness of God.  

And, so thus I was blessed to read the prayer matters of my 22 year old daughter this past weekend.  Included in pink above, I was moved to my knees in gratefulness that I have a daughter who prays not only in her heart but also in black and white.  I believe what you write, you are more likely to achieve. 

So, as I make this page 476 of my lengthy, three-year letter to Madison, “If It Is Monday, It is Mama”, I am humbled…and grateful to have a praying daughter.

Sis, 

It is Monday.  You worked a long, 13 hour night shift at ESH and then traveled on to Richmond to attend your first class of your Junior year at my Alma Mata.  Your text to me in the day’s early hour to let me know you were on your way to campus was a gift to my morning.  By sharing with me your leaving time, I was able to stop what I was doing and pray for your travel safety, that God would give you a reprieve from the fatigue of no sleep and that he would bless your day.  Thank you for sharing your life with me…I am just certain you texted me prior to drivingJ

You and I have been blessed to pray much together, I guess we knew we needed the covering of prayer…and, it has worked.  God has been faithful to keep His hand on us these past 50 and 22 years. 

It is true that when a mother births a child, she has dreams and wishes in her heart of just how that child would grow…I was no exception.  But, very quickly I learned….my image of what you should be was not always in line with what God’s will for you would be.

I wished for you an easy, uncomplicated, simple life.  I wished for mostly happy and fun time with very few challenges.  I wished that joy and peace and love would blanket your heart and keep it safe from ever being hurt or sad or disappointed.  From day nine….April 19^th of your life, it was clear that God had other plans for you….plans to make you strong and independent and sage.  Plans to have a heart too tender and a soul very gentle.

I was not prepared. 

I was not prepared to raise a daughter whose tenderness was so vast that she would get swallowed by life unless she had strong parents to continually lead her back to God and in a Godly way. 

But, God was. 

And, because He was, you are where you are today…on the cuff of starting your life in service to Him.  You work hard, you play hard (sometimes in ways I do not understand) and you love hard. 

Are you perfect?  No

Are you finished?  No

Are you clearly Gods?

Yes…oh yes 

It is a privilege and honor to be your mother.  It is a privilege to watch you move through your life ever learning, sometimes falling, but always picking yourself back up and getting back on the path God has for you.

Grateful I am that God, who knew you before you were born, has a plan…to prosper you and not harm you, to walk beside you and guide you along. 

Grateful I am that you understand that following Him will make “all the difference”…. 

So, as you set off for your first day of classes, this your Junior year, know how grateful I am that you have this opportunity.

As Poppy always says, “Go forth….and do good”…. 

Blessings upon blessings my sweet daughter,

ILYAOYMC, 

Mama

Striving to be His....

Striving to be “His”…

Gone am I and my family for the amount of time it takes to travel to daughter Madison’s college, deposit her belongings, fix up her room, hang her clothes….and traverse back homeward… 

On its surface it was just another busy, time consuming day filled with laughter, fatigue, a little anxiety and much gratefulness…but, in the soul, where things matter big, it was a huge day… 

Made so because, as if in   s  l  o  w   M  o  t  i  o  n, I could see life happening in my child’s life. 

I saw her walk all woman-like into her dorm and secure the home she would have these next nine months at her chosen place of higher education.  She looked over to me waiting to see if I would take over.  But, before I could decline, she stepped forward and took charge. 

Of her life. 

And, I sat….and watched.  Mother love suspended over her like rainbows of light over an earth of green in a sky of true blue, humble gratefulness settled over me that daughter has arrived to this day. 

It is the little things I notice much these days… 

The way she places hand over her mouth when tickled at something funny, the silly face she makes when anxious and the tear-pooled eyes when she is uncertain how to travel forward.

But, I am noticing newness in her behavior which had not been there yesterday. 

She no longer waits on me to encourage her to move ahead…she moves ahead, looks my direction, then moved in the way she has chosen…more confident and certain because she is grounded.

 In Him.

 Perfection in daily behavior, thought and deed is not a goal to ever be achieved because we are all but human vessels without capacity to be perfect, but in my child I witness front row a striving… 

To be “God’s girl” 

Even when she is uncertain what exactly that means; even when she reviews a past of not being “God’s girl; even when she sees brothers and sisters, teachers, leaders, family not being “God’s”. 

She tells me her heart’s desire is to be a hand-holder through this life… 

A Hand Holder…

 

Of family, of friends, of new ones who come into her life.  Of lost souls who travel her path, of patients she cares for at a place where not many would dare to work.   

And, deep in the place of my soul where pride would live if it were a Godly thing, I place gratefulness… 

For in the heart of my student-daughter,

As I leave her at college today.. 

I see a lamb…who, as God has promised…was gathered back into the fold.. 

And, in her heart….her precious, tender, gentle yet strong heart, I am witness… 

To Him….to the goodness of a God who knows each of us by name, loves to brush each hair on our head so he can count them…who knew us before we came to the here and now, when we were just a promise of heaven’s sweetest gifts… 

And I am indebted….in a holy indebtedness to God….who makes children so pure and lovely and wonderful that a mother’s whole soul is filled with joy that it overflows into her own heart.. 

When your child paints a picture of her loving God on the parchment of your heart, you have received a gift which cannot be described in mere words… 

If described at all, it is through the dropping on knees to the whisper of prayer… 

“Thank you, Lord, for the gift of this child…whom although imperfect is made perfect in her striving to be  

Yours…”

 Blessings,

 Lesa

The Power of "Little Kindnesses"

The Power of Little Kindnesses…

Little kindnesses have such power…like little packages of sweetness wrapped up in love’s special ribbon.

Ian and I have a smallish tradition (he says to make up for the past 31 years).  Every time we take a trip, he gets me a little “giftie”…it could be a piece of candy from a favorite candy store or a card from a local card shop.  I have received a single flower from our garden and  poem he wrote “just because”. 

On a recent trip, Ian made special effort to buy me a handmade pair of earrings from a local business in Florida where we were vacationing with my brother and his wife.  We went to several stores, taking in the art of local artisans and in one, The Cedar Chest in Sanibel Island, Florida, found a lovely set of earrings….delicate silver overlaid on gold.

I loved them.

I lost one.

While walking on the beach, hand in hand, as the sun set, somehow one of the earrings must have lost its backing and fallen to the sandy shore.

I was hurt because he had put such effort into selecting them for me…

I don’t consider myself to be a “material girl” for I know we are just passing through, but I did have special affection for this particular set of earrings…

They were a gift freely given from one whose love is fully felt.

But, lost one I did.  Ian, as he is known to do, did not accept the loss without seeking a replacement.  He went to the local business where we purchased the earrings to see if they could find a mate for it.  And, while they did not give us much hope for doing so, they did say they would contact the artist and tell him our story.

And, they did.

And, not only did they find a mate for my lone earring, they did not charge us for it.

They shared this with us….the artist felt for us and our loss on the beach and did not want to charge us for the missing gift.  The store owner kindly agreed to the artist’s request we not be charged.

And so, a few weeks ago, my lost earring was replaced and I am grateful.

For the gift….

For the replacement for the gift.

And, for the generosity of an artist and a business whose hearts were in the giving.

And, for a husband who understands the value of life’s little kindnesses.

Blessed,

Lesa

Nothing "Looks" the Same Now...

Nothing “looks” the same now….

There are times in my life where God has pulled me especially close to him…praying for a sister, losing a best friend because of a drunk driver, father surviving a wreck, mother being healthy, brother safely tucked in bed, PKU, miscarriage, infertility, cancer, divorce, job change, move, and the list goes on and on….and will until my final rest and I meet.

Sometimes, you are pulled into sharing a season of the Lord’s drawing you close with others because of events in their lives….mentally ill child, divorce, abortion, cancer of a sweet baby girl, counting the 100 days of life of a son, attending the funeral of two of a friends precious children, the baptism of a loved one for whom you prayed for 25 years, church growth, children’s ministry, oversees travel, healing from a stroke of a beloved friend, and the list could and does go on and on…and, it too, will until these precious souls meet their final rest.

Nothing looks the same during these seasons in our lives…

Nothing feels the same…

Nothing is the same..

It is then that the rawness of our lives is poured out in the form of our broken hearts and bruised praying knees…when God is especially real and personal and up close with us…

Real.

We are in such a season…

We have a dear friend who is battling for her life here on earth…wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend. 

And, nothing in my life and in your life looks the same.

I know this because I, too, wait anxiously each morning, afternoon and evening for an update on our sweet Jana….and, I read your comments, and pray with you your prayers..

And, it is all sweetness..

Reading how so many have been touched by such a tender heart....

Hundreds…thousands of hands being lifted up many, many, many times each day in prayer…and in faith that those prayers are heard by the only ONE who can heal her…

The belief in God’s ability to heal Jana can be felt through the keystrokes of those who so love her and pour out that love in their writing.

The “likes” and comments, photos and Facebook written prayers…they are sweetness.

The love shared commonly among family, friends and even strangers…

It is sweetness…

 So, as I took my nightly walk around my neighborhood, I could feel it….

Nothing looks the same since that Friday when Jana began her battle….

At first, things looked darker, and I confess, even now when the news is not good, it still looks dark.  But, those times come less and less…and, in darkness’ place, is simply a new view of the little things I used to take for granted each time my feet walked the path around my neighborhood…

Not now…

I see things now that I didn’t before because when God drops you to your knees, you are drawn down closer to His creation in a way which only this certain surrendering can provide..

I saw things differently as I walked….things I had looked past previously…

And, I am grateful…

Not for the journey our friend is on…but, that even as she journeys, she has lived such a life that even in the darkness of our fears and anxieties, we are able to see the light of hope…of faith…of  love…

Who Jana loves most is obvious…and it is that love which calls us to prayer…to love…

to believe.

Blessings,

Lesa