And, this is what I
learned……
An anniversary of sorts: Today is the first day since I was diagnosed
with breast cancer that I have been fully un-fettered by it’s presence in my
life. Treatments long past, doctor’s
appointments scheduled once per year, and first day no longer taking Tamoxifin…my
friend these past five years…this is my thank you….to you.
I was 46 years old when I was
diagnosed with breast cancer. Early
stage. Highly survivable. Reportedly, a
small blip on the screen of my life.
And, I got to “keep them”. A gift for which I have been very grateful every
one of the 1,974 days since I received “the
news”.
Stage zero….I was told. So, I thought to myself, stage zero means it
is “pre-cancerous” and not really cancer at all. “No,” I was told. You most definitely have cancer, but just a
little….nothing which we cannot likely heal.
You will be fine.
And, for the most part, they
were right.
What they fail to tell you is
that no matter how small is your cancer, big is the change in your life. For it is at the very moment you hear the “C”
word, that everything changes for you….
It was at that very moment,
while sitting in the parking lot of Kohl’s clothing store that I heard that
word…
And, was changed.
Forever.
And, in my opinion, for the better.
Having cancer changed my
life.
In fact, it brought me back
into my life. It reminded me for whom I
was to live….and die.
I look back now and see the
line in the sand of my life which delineates “pre cancer” and “post cancer”.
On this side of the sand, I
have experienced sorrow that has forever changed my heart…sorrow which has
changed the hearts of others. Some for
which I bear responsibility and accountability, some of which another bears
responsibility and accountability.
And, for a season, I lived in
the sorrow….until, I thought I would physically die from the heartache….not the
cancer.
But, our God is faithful…..He
never leaves us….He carries us when we cannot walk, He lifts us up when we
cannot stand.
He takes the messes of our
lives and changes them into not only beautiful things, but to works of art….
Before cancer, I was a faux
woman living a faux life with a faux white-picket-fence family in a faux
existence……we were liars in our own home pretending we were having “the time of
our life” when in actuality, we were none.of.that.
I was not doing this on
purpose. I was doing this to survive in
a world where those who lay bare their hearts to that same world are deemed odd
or strange or “pieces of work”.
We, as a people, like things
neat and tidy and ordered. In fact, we
call that “godly”. But, not all of us,
in fact most of us, are not any of those things. We have hidden pains, secret sorrows, deeply
felt oddities….
When I think of my personal
friends…those who know me intimately….none of them…not a single one of them is neat and tidy. All have had their own “c” moments in life…the
truly walking wounded whether by decision of their own hands, or the arrows
life has thrown at them.
But, to me……..
THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL…..beyond description,
too marvelous for words….
I took the time this morning
as I was writing this blog to make a list…..it took me over an hour to write
down the names of the women in my life who had walked beside me, in front of
me, beside me….and, at times, for whom I took that walk with them…
God bless and bless each and
every one of you….
And know…I am a heart of
gratefulness because you have been and are in my life…
I am here….because you were there…
So, as I write this….some One
Thousand Nine Hundred Seventy Four days post hearing the “you’ve got cancer”
news, I honor each of you….
I am grateful to you. I am grateful for you. I am
grateful to Him for you.
You hit your knees on my
behalf, you held my hand. You watched my
children. You gave me the “c” news. You sent me letters, cards, emails,
notes. You made calls, cleaned my home
and brought me plants and food.
You were the hands and heart
of Jesus to me and my children…..
You stood in front of me…
You stood behind me.
You stood to my right.
You stood to my left.
I was never left uncovered,
un-prayed for, un-loved.
I was always lifted,
encouraged and embraced.
There are very few things in
this life for which I am certain….but, this is one.
There is no greater army a
woman can have in her life than an army of her sister-friends when headed into
battle….no matter what the kind….
So, today, this day, I thank
you, I honor you, I love you.
And, I thank our God who knew…
He knew the value each and
every one of you would have in my life.
He knew I needed you.
And, he made sure to cross
our paths…..
And, to Him I say…
Thank you….
For You!
Blessings….
Lesa
