“I Cannot Do it For You, But I Can Do it WITH You”
Your Mama has been praying for 2,456 days (give or take a day, from the
time you were 16 until today) for you to return to your PKU diet. The reason I know the date is that chose to
tell me on your 16th birthday that you were no longer going to stay
on the “crazy, outrageous, un-doable” PKU diet.
It became a source of great dissention…..and pain in our relationship.
I think it might help for you to read our “mother daughter love story”……
April 10th was the best day of my life. After trying for two years, your Dad and I
were blessed to become “with child”. I
always liked that expression so much more than “pregnant”. We were thrilled. You were the first grandbaby for my parents
and the first in several years for your Dad’s side. Everyone was thrilled. I never felt closer to your Daddy than when I
was with child with you and your brothers and Joseph.
I remember clearly the day the test was “positive”. Elated….that is the word I felt. Elated…thrilled…amazed
And Grateful….
I had a wonderful pregnancy….magical even.
I remember the little things… the look on your dad’s face when I showed him
the positive test, hearing your heartbeat the first time, going with Grammy to
buy your bedding (a story within itself), early morning moments looking at my
belly in the mirror…
I LOVED being with child….pregnant.
And, so did your Daddy (he in fact, gained 15 sympathy pounds). You, Joseph, Kenton and Johnson are the best
of your dad’s and my love….the very best.
And, nothing can ever change that....
Little things…memories
Sitting in church gently swaying side to side….a friend said she would
always remember me “rocking” you as I worshipped in service. (She later told me it was my fault that you had
to be "moving" all the time).
I very purposefully read to you, played classical music and talked to
you….constantly.
And, in the wee hours of the morning, I would pray over you….pouring out my
young mother’s heart to God that He would care for you not just in my womb, but
all of the days of your life…
And, I am going to share something with you I don’t think I ever shared
with you before….
I KNEW….
I knew the minute we conceived you at Myrtle Beach (truth) and even told
your Dad…
I knew you would be a girl
I knew you would arrive in good shape
And, in the deepest parts of my heart, I knew there would be something
special about you…which would make you unique…I didn’t know what it would be,
but I knew.
So, while we were surprised to learn at day #9 of your life that you had
PKU
I was not really surprised
I remember getting the news and going to the hospital in tears….with great
fear….
God put people in my and your Dad’s path to help us….
Your Grammy…I know she was in pain because not only was her granddaughter
at risk, but her daughter was hurting as well.
She held my hand…and my heart….enabling me to hold yours. She was our North during the storm.
Your Poppy…Poppy was out of town but flew back so that he could be with
you…with us. I remember his looking at you for the first time....precious.
Your Mamaw Betty and Papaw James….Mamaw said, “well, it is just as it is
and we will just all deal with it”.
Brief, but comforting words in their acceptance and simplicity…you were “theirs”….and,
because you were theirs…they would take care of you.
Judy Leek. Judy cancelled a flight
to go with us to the doctor’s office that first visit. She is, I believe, a nuclear physicist or a
chemist. Brilliant in many ways. The doctor told me to immediately stop
nursing you (something I LOVED) and to bind myself up and feed you PKU formula
only. I was devastated. Judy reached over and grabbed my hand and
forced me to look at her…she said, “Lesa, do you want to nurse your baby?”….I
tearfully nodded yes…she said then remember….OUR GOD is bigger than PKU. If you want to nurse, then nurse your
baby. And, so I did. You were the first (and only as far as I
know) PKU patient to be nursed by your mother.
It just wasn’t’ done. Judy’s
lesson to me that day was powerful.
MY GOD….YOUR GOD…..is more powerful than any other thing this world can
throw at us!
And so, your Dad and I became PKU immersed.
We vowed to one another, as we walked around the block of our
neighborhood that fateful day, that we would be the best PKU parents ever and
that you would be the best PKU patient at UK Hospital.
And, honestly, until you were 16, that was pretty much truth for you.
We heel stuck to take blood specimens, made PKU food from scratch,
journaled your PKU formula intake, journaled your weekly diet.
It was a labor of love in which ALL of your family took part.
Not because we had to....but because we wanted to give you the very best
opportunity for the very best life God had for you.
The ONE thing I would do differently and which I do now is that I would
have given over your PKU MORE to God and less to our human hands. I feel that way about several things in my
life, in your life.....but, PKU is right up there at the top.
I think we became so wrapped up in trying to "perfect' your PKU that
we forgot there is only one PERFECTOR....and, that is God.
So, as we head into this NEW YEAR.....2013.....
Let's do differently.
I love Maya Angelou's quote,
I did then what I knew how to do.
Now that I know better, I do better.”
Now that I know better, I do better.”
- Maya Angelou
The
Bible tells us....my favorite verse....
1 Corinthians 13
If
I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a
resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can
fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move
mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the
poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love,
I gain nothing.
Love
is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with
the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love
never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are
tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For
we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when
completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I
talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I
became a man(woman), I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only
a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in
part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope
and love. But the greatest of these is LOVE.
I
never really noticed verse 10 until recently....The WORD says "in
part"....that when "completeness comes, what is “in part”
disappears."
You
and I are not children of the world. We
are HIS children. And, while we will
never be perfectly mature nor perfect, we do need to put the ways of childhood
behind us and move toward maturity with Him.
It
is a journey.....a lifetime journey.
But,
life is a journey of which you are not alone.
GOD
is your mighty fortress and strength. HE
can do all things....for you, through you, with you. And, He will if you seek
HIM first with "all of your heart".....which is why I say that
often to those whom I love. Which is why
I shared that text message with you the other day....
"with
all of my heart"......because of HIS heart.
And,
right there, where God allows Mothers the humble privilege of standing, I stand.
In
front of you, beside you and behind you....
Always...
Because
while I cannot do your life, your faith, your PKU, etc. for you....
I
can do it with you.
And,
I give my word...on my Mother's heart, calling upon all of my Mother's love for
you....
I
will be there.....as long as God will allow.
For
you see, He role models that for us....Be strong and courageous. Do not be
afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he
will never leave you nor forsake you.”
Deuteronomy 31:6
And,
where God places HIS footsteps in our lives, it is our blessing....and our
humble obligation to follow...
in faith
And, in love.
You can do all things through HIM....don't just read
those words....bring them to life in 2013.
ILYAOYMC,
Mama
