My Dear Children,
As I head into my fourth medical procedure since June, I am
spending as much time physically with you as I can, and even more time
emotionally thinking about you….and me….and us.
I've written before in this blog about what I have hoped to teach you as
your mother, the good and the bad, the do's and the don'ts……But, I don't think
I have ever written about what YOU have taught me, your mother….Mama….Mommy…..
And so, can I share that now?
For example, right off the bat, from the very
"get-go", you have taught me……that…..
* God is pretty Amazing! That he could not only take, but could use, a vessel such as me to create you, He must love me a
very great deal….to have hand-crafted each of you from the heavens and knit you
inside my womb….to allow me to be eternally changed as I carried you under my
heart, watching my little belly swell with your person-hood and then working
harder than I have ever worked in my life…..with HIM…..to get your feet on the
ground of this life. Amazing. And, I am and will always be forever
grateful. Blessed. Joyful. Such
beautiful, wonderful, human beings such as you just warms my heart, fills my
soul, gives me hope.
* You are His! As much as I want to claim each of you as my
very own special gift from God, and you are…ultimately, you are His, and that is as it should be. Yes, He entrusted you into my care, but I
understand now, He never gave you to me permanently. He loaned you to me not just so that I could
point you to Him, but so that I could see Him in you. We are given to one-another….a gift straight
from Him. And, I personally believe He
expects us to appreciate and use this gift to His glory demonstrating to the
world how mighty, how powerful, how awesome is the relationship between parent
and child. For, you see….the world looks
upon our relationship with one another as an example of our relationship with
Him. Let's always work toward making ours a
good example. Remember, you are His!
* Our relationship on
this earth will only be as real as the truth we tell one another! We have not always had nor will we always
have the perfect mother-daughter, mother-son, mother-son relationship. We have not.
We will not. What we can aspire
to is to have a good, Godly relationship as our goal and we all know that can
only happen on the foundation of truth.
There is a reason, known to the four of us, that we have adopted as one
of our family's tenents, "better the ugly truth than a pretty
lie." Where lies are told, where truth
is hidden, where secrets are kept, God cannot be. And, I want our relationship to be one where
God stands on top of, underneath, beside, behind and in front of us. So, we give one another permission to be
honest, to tell the truth, to speak from the heart. Even when it's ugly, even when it's painful,
even when it drops us to our knees because where truth is God is. From the bottom to the top of my mother's
heart, thank you for allowing truth to be our glue. For allowing me to share my truths with you
and for being brave in sharing your truth with me. It is making an eternal difference.
* God's promises are real and can be counted on! In Proverbs 22:6, we are told to, "Train
up a child in the way he should go and when he is old, he will not depart from
it."
While I (and, your dad) started out doing a pretty solid, good job of
that, I think, what I did not do, was follow through with that when our lives
got tough. With our move to Georgetown,
we moved our family's hearts from being circled around our heavenly Father to
being circled around things of this world.
It would be simpler and less painful to place blame on another for that reality,
but the truth is, deep down, I knew what our family was doing was wrong and I
did not take a definitive and firm stand against it. I was not brave. You cannot build your family on the
foundation of a Holy God if you are standing on the rock of this world. I knew that then but I did not fight against
what I knew as truth as I should have.
So, there have been consequences in our family's foundation. In your life.
In mine. What I have been taught
through this process is that God is faithful to His promises, one of which is
"to train up a child….and, when he/she is old, they will not depart from
it. You know the truth. You were taught it as a child. I want you to know that to the very best of
my ability, I will claim that truth for the balance of my and/or your days and
pray that the failures of your parents, of your mother, are ones you can
forgive as you remember for whom it is you are called to live. Where I have failed you as your mother, God
has not, as your heavenly Father.
*
You are not going to always agree with me, and sometimes, your lack of
agreement may be right.
Perhaps one of the most shocking things to me as a mother is that you will
have your own opinions about things.
More shocking is that….gasp…..I can be wrong. When you blend the two together….Your opinion
about things might be right and I might be wrong….it is a bitter pill to
swallow. I have had a few of those
epiphanies…especially these past few years.
The older I get, the more I understand that I do not have the market on
truth, on right versus wrong, nor do I have a special insight into the hearts
of others. I don't. Motherhood does not bring with it a magical
power to know all things. Shocking as
that is to write, it is truth. You have
taught me this humble truth and as a result, I am growing in humility. And, even better, I am growing in seeking out
the wisdom of a Holy God who is wise and right. And, as painful as learning this concept has
been, I am glad for the lessons.
* Always keep the door open! One of my
most favorite things about our relationship is that we try to "always keep
the door open." Now a days, our
lives are fairly smooth sailing. This
has not always been the case. In times
past, we had very deep and personal struggles.
That is evident. Our family's
foundation has been shaken to the point of breaking…and yet, never one time did
you ever shut the door on me. And, I
hope you never felt I shut the door on you.
And, I want you to know that I am grateful for that. When you leave the door open, love can come
inside. And, that is why I believe we are close today. Even in the most difficult, complicated, and
painful of times, we left the door to one another open. We may have screwed down the windows….we may
have taken a mental break from one another, but we always kept the door to each
other open. And, because we did……love
came inside. And, love is the tie that binds
the hearts of a mother and her child.
Unconditional, unreserved, non-judgmental and fully open love. It is what God calls us to do. And, I pray that it is what we have and what
we always will have. Let's always keep
the door to one another open…..fully…..for, where love is….God lives.
* Have
fun! I don't think I have laughed as
much with you three as I have these past five years. And, that laughter has made all the
difference in our lives. I didn't
realize the importance of laughter in our home until it was gone….and, as it
came back, that sweet sound has melted my Mama's heart like joy with her
children can do. I think you have a
pretty fun childhood. I can look at
pictures of you (thank God I took so many) and I see evidence of great and
grand times. But, it is the laughter I
share with you now which touches my heart to the point of bursting. Sometimes, I lay in bed at night and hear the
three of you kidding and joking with one another…and, it is a precious thing. Other times, we are all gathered around the
kitchen laughing and sharing and playing….and, I think how precious are the
moments. When I close my eyes, I can
hear each of you spreading laughter and joy within the walls of our
home….reminding me to let go…have fun….and, I am grateful.
* To be someone you want to be around. Ian and I have talked
a great deal about the kind of parents/grand parents we pray we grow into
because we understand that you never finish growing as parents, you are always
becoming. You have taught me/us that as
you grow into full adulthood, your time will become more precious. You will have significant others who will
claim your attention in a way we no longer will be able to. So, we understand that it is important to be
parents you want to be around when you can.
That is our goal. And, the
interesting twist is that it's not about spending money on you, or always doing
what you want to do, or giving into your every whim. We are growing to realize that what you want
from us is to be seen….and heard….That when we are with you, we are "with
you"….that means that we will have to often step outside of our
comfort zones and be willing to explore things you like to do, be with people
you like to be with, take on new ideas, new friends, new technologies…all for
the sake of staying close. Sometimes, it
means we are with you one-on-one and don't include your siblings. Other times, it means you want to go be with
your friends and our only time with you that day will be the hour before bed
time when we can talk and visit (sometimes, it means we stay up late just to do that
talking and visiting). Other times, it
means that our only means of conversation will be a few texts in-between
military training or a late at night "ILY" or "ILY2". Fortunately, many times, it means that you
will commit to being with us for special occasions…or even ordinary occasions
which become special because you chose to be with us. We want to be people you want to be around.
*
To be someone on whom you can count on all the time, a "constant" in
your lives. One
thing I have learned, especially since the boys have gone through BMT is that
lots of the time, you just want to know there is someone out there who will
ALWAYS be there for you to the best of their ability. You don't always need us to "do"
things for you and in fact, at this stage of life, we try not to do for you but
with you…or, we try to teach you how to do them yourselves. When you were little, and I would take you
somewhere to play, a park, the playground of a school, at a friend's house, I
would take you, then sit back and watch you play. Often…..for a long time….you would come to
me, pat my hand or get a kiss or just look over at me with a smile and then
resume your playing. I see you doing
that even now. Many times, you will
venture off to your life's activities, but you will call, or text, or even come
to me and check in on your progress.
"Mama, what do you think?"
"Mama, I am considering."
Even now as your sister is going through so much transition, I am
realizing that she is not really seeking my opinion, she is seeking my
presence. When you text me from Texas
asking for help working through getting payment to your account, when you ask
Ian to help make sure you checked the oil in your car correctly, when you
question me about an IRA versus a Mutual Fund, you are not really needing me to
tell you what to do. You are using me as
a sounding board. I am just grateful
that you care what I think. I hope I'll
always be a worthy listener.
The list of things you have taught me
could go on forever….mainly because I learn from you every single day. I just include those things God has laid on
my heart today. But, one final thing, I
want to leave you with that you have taught me is to let go.
* Let It Go. One
of you told me the other day, "Mama, let it go. The bad, sad, ugly things
you see in yourself, in your decisions, in your life are in the past as far as
we are concerned We don't see them. Let them
go." Instead of me encouraging you,
you lifted me by telling me "you are a good Mama, you are not perfect nor
are we. We are imperfect together."
And, so I do and I can. It is a
blessing to have children in front of whom you can be who you are and they
still chose to love you. So you have
taught me, the more real I am with you, the more real you can be with me. And, the more real we are with one another,
the more we can let things go. As
Madison said today, "Mama, I forgive you for the same reason you forgive
me….because you sought my forgiveness just as I have yours and that has made
all the difference."
I love you children. With all of my heart. I always have. I always will.
On that you can place your trust.
"more than all the sand on all the
beaches in all the world."
"More than all the stars in all
the sky in all the world."
"more than all the blades of grass
on all the fields in all the world."
I love you,
Mama
