I am a Journaler.....

I am a journaler….

I have journaled since I was eight years old and still have most of them.  Some were gifts from Santa and came with lock and key.  Some are from my children and are hand made.  Some are from my daughter and are all perky and sassy and lovely.  And, some I bought myself which are a combination of beautiful and functional.

I used to write not knowing why.

Now, I know the “why” of why I write.

It is my legacy…

Or, at least one of them.

I do not have my Mama’s gift of crocheting or knitting or seaming together a beautiful quilt out of the blank canvas of material.  I do not have my Daddy’s gift of making things with wood, things with which to write or repairing broken things.  Each of my twelve siblings, seven nieces and three nephews has a gift I can put down on paper…gifts such as encouraging prayer, educating our youth, sharing God’s word, challenging our thought, nurturing one another, leading gently, keeping us organized, serving our country, painting, singing, loving, reaching the uncertain, encouraging personal growth and enterprise and  just being loveable! 

I am not an excellent cook.  I cannot paint at all although I plan to take lessonsJ

What I can do is write and take pictures, and, so, I do.

I have long written letters to my children, Stories made up by Mama (me) are some of my children’s favorite…we have a whole series on Buddy, the Komodo Dragon!  We, as a family have 24 years worth of Christmas letters (yes, those things some of you hate to get, I love to write and receive).  We have 21 years of family goals written down on everything from plain white paper to colorful index cards.

We have a legacy written down in black and white, red and blue, and at times orange and greenJ

In addition to being a journaler of my own writing, I am a journaler of my children’s writings, experiences…and, there are many.

A friend, Jackie, told me years ago that she had a journal for each of her children which she wrote in frequently.  She would keep a yellow sticky on the inside and jot down notes of important events in that child’s life which she would later transform into the full story in that child’s journal.

What a wonderful idea…so, I borrowed it and have done the same.

I am grateful for her sharing.  Because of her idea, I have many treasured entries in my own children’s journals.  Some are cute and funny and are provided to make us laugh.  Some are marking milestones in my childrens’ lives.  Some, are actually pretty poignant…describing struggles, discipline issues, fears and worries.

I have some favorites…

For Madison, I love the one about our Mother/Daughter trip to Disney we took with my sister in law Frankie and her daughter, Emily.  I love the ones where she worked through an issue in a good and fine way or the one of her first car date.  The most tender one to me was “What a difference 24 hours can make” about her rabbit experience….precious.

For Kenton, his are full of dreams and aspirations and belief in the possibilities of life…from finding a One Million Dollar Rock Crystal and selling it to buy me a beach house, to plans to live in England and write a book, to playing ball to being a wonderful brother…precious.

For Johnson, his are full of experiences from splashing puddles at school, to making plays on the ball field or in the gym, to shaving for the first time.  In his journal is a flower he gave me “just because I love you, Mommy”…precious.

I would never consider myself a “material girl”.  I think I always realized that I would not be able to take things with me when I leave this earth.  I have seen property devastate relationships.  I have seen things carried off in order to have them when they should have been left to be disbursed.  Things are just things.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy my home, the furniture in my home, my sapphire wedding band, those things I have been given by my parents.  I enjoy a nice camera and a working car.  I love my bedroom furniture and our boat-shaped kitchen table which faces out onto our pool allowing us the dream of being on the ocean!

But, at the end of the day, these things will stay here.

And, I will not.

I see my “things” more as tools to use in this life both personally to bring joy and communally, to share with others.

But, my journals…..those hold and are my treasures.

When I am no longer here, my children will be able to see the realness in their mother in her own words, in her own handwriting…a glimpse straight into my heart.

They will have a written snapshot of just exactly how precious are they to me….

And, I hope my writings will make them smile

And laugh

And cry with joyful tears.

It is my hope that through my writing, they can each see that they had a mother who..

Loved God with all of her heart

Loved them will all of her heart

Loved with all of her heart

And, honestly, I hope it makes them tender toward me as they look at the way they were raised…

I am a human Mama.  I have made mistakes.  Grievous errors in my child-rearing.

I hope my writing will heal their broken places for which I am responsible.

That forgiveness will come from reading my heart’s desire to be a good Mommy, Mama, Mother.

I have at times even now pulled out their journals and read to them….and we laugh…out loud.

And, my heart sings as they laugh.

I have this image in my head…..I am gone…they are here.

They sit at my home with a huge box of journals to go through.  One is truly excited to read my journals, one reads because he/she knows this would make me happy, and one doesn’t really want to read them but does so out of respect….

It starts out with each child picking up a journal and reading silently to themselves…but, as moments pass, they begin to share out loud a snippet here…a snippet there…

They cry some….

They giggle some…

And, then, together, they just all out laugh….

How can one mother have so many words to say about only three people?

How can one mother dare to write the sad, the painful?

How can one mother be so bold to include the private and the dangerous?

She can….she did.

And, they laugh….three as one….

And, they love one another as they read about themselves, about their family, about their mother.

And all of the pink ribbons which wrap around my journals and letters and card cannot compare with the ribbon of love which binds my children together as they read

From my heart

From my soul

From my spirit

How much, how tenderly, how sacredly I love them….

So, I journal…with this in mind.

So I pray…God allow my words to have some value

So I seek for my legacy to be one of which my children can be proud….

Blessings on your day,

Lesa

Thanksgiving...In All times

Thanksgiving….in all times, even when imprisoned….

One of my husband’s favorite Bible passages is Philippians 4.  I understand why.  It is a passage of encouragement…from an author who writes while in Prison….PRISON….as in chains, bars, dirt floors and dank circumstances.

And, he does not write to encourage himself; he writes to encourage others….and, through time, to encourage even us….his “brothers and sisters” many generations removed from his actual pen to paper writing.

And, he does.

We have a passionate Bible teacher at our church who is an actor…well, who was an actor in his former life.  Prior to beginning any study (and, I have been in many of his classes, buckled up and ready for the ride of my life), he takes us on a little walk mentally, framing his story in picture-words that enable us to “feel” what we read in the Bible.  When he describes Paul’s prison…it is not pretty. 

Prisons in Paul’s time were called “houses of darkness” for a reason.  They were storage-houses for the accused and not just a place of punishment - for back then, you were innocent and set free or were guilty and executed.  “Being kept alive in that condition was a greater and more humiliating punishment than death.”

So, it is amazing  to me that he could write so encouragingly to us while he was in such a damp, cold, dark, stinking, rodent infested, bug inhabited, nasty, terrible, horrible, awful place….

And not only did he write encouragement to others.  He wrote in truth that we all rejoice in our sufferings.  He wrote of his personal commitment to live as he wrote.  He wrote as one who shares his own personal sufferings.  He does not encourage us from a……..distance…….but as one who is up-close-and-personal with suffering.

I love the Bible via The Message.  It is an easy to read version which I use in conjunction with my other favorite the NIV..In it, you find Paul’s letter….

From Paul, A letter...to all of us….

My dear friends,

I love you so much. …I do want the very best for you. ….Don’t waver.  Stay on track, steady in God.” “Celebrate God all day, every day.  I mean REVEL in Him! Make it as clear as you can to ALL you meet that you are on their side, working with them and not against them.  Help them see the Master is about to arrive.  He could show up any minute.

Don’t fret or worry.  Instead of worry pray.  Let God know your concerns. It is wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

Do your best by filling your minds and meditating n things TRUE, NOBLE, REPUTABLE, AUTHENTIC, COMPELLING, GRACIOUS – the best, the beautiful, things to praise.

I am “glad in God”, far happier than you would ever guess (yes, I know, hard to believe while in prison, but it is true), I don’t have a sense of needing anything personally (I’m in prison), I have learned to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I have found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry….

Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the ONE who makes me who I am.”

And, he was right.

What is amazing to me even more than his joy during his suffering is that Paul….the very one so positive in his suffering FOR Christ was once a person who caused suffering AGAINST Christ and His followers.

The Jesus Storybook Bible tells Paul’s story very sweetly in words which melt the heart..(paraphrased)

“Of all the people who kept the rules Saul (name later changed to Paul..hang with me, there is an explanation at the end) was the best!  He was very proud…but, he wasn’t very nice.  Saul/Paul hated anyone who loved Jesus.  He wanted to catch them and put them into prison.  He wanted everyone to forget about Jesus.  You see, Saul never met Jesus.”

So, one day, Jesus met Saul.

Saul was on his way to a town when a light flashed like lightening.  It was brighter than the sun…too bright (Saul was blinded).  He heard a loud voice which said, “Saul! Saul! Why are you fighting me?”  “Lord?” Saul answered.  “Who are you?”

I am Jesus, said the voice.  When you hurt my friends, you are hurting me too.  Saul’s whole body trembled.  Go to the city, Jesus said and I’ll tell you what to do.

When Saul opened his eyes, he couldn’t see.  His helpers had to hold his hand and lead him like a little child.  Saul was blind for three days – and yet, It Was As If He Was Seeing For The Very First Time!

A man named Ananias who loved Jesus prayed for Saul and through his prayer, Saul was able to see again and was used by God to tell the world about Jesus.

Yes, the man who “wasn’t very nice” to Christians was now VERY nice to Christians, because he had met God and had seen the error of his ways.

I love this, too…from The Jesus Storybook Bible

“Suddenly, Saul could see again, but he saw everything differently.  He wasn’t mean anymore.  He even changed his name from Saul TO Paul, which means “small and humble” – the very opposite of proud”, which is what Saul was before.

Interestingly still, was that the man who prayed for Paul, Ananias’s,  name meant “The Lord is full of Grace”.

And, GRACE is what Paul spent the rest of his life sharing with others.

The Grace of God which comes to all of us, through God.

“It’s  not about keeping the rules! Paul told the people.  You don’t have to be good at being good for God to love you.  You just have to believe what Jesus has done and follow him.  Because,

Its not about trying, it’s about trusting.

Its not about rules, its about Grace

God’s free gift – that cost him everything”.

So, Paul changed.

And, because of his ability to change, we can be encouraged to change.

He writes to us, “God loves us!  Nothing can ever- no, not ever- separate us from the Never Stopping, Never Giving Up, Unbreaking, Always and Forever Love of God he showed us in Jesus!”

My husband’s love for this Philippians passage has inspired me many times during this past year.  It inspires and encourages me….

It does so because you can see in how Ian lives his life that he tries hard to do what Paul encourages, and while Ian would tell you he struggles with doing so, it’s the effort in his walk which I have come to love and respect…I have seen him fall down, but, I also see him pick himself back up and strive….

To “let your gentleness be evident to all…..not to be anxious about anything but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with THANKSGIVING, present your requests to God…and the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus….whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.”

So, In Paul, I have hope which he tells me God promises to all of us…

If Paul can find joy and peace and encouragement while suffering in prison, how much more can we find same in the freedom of our lives?

Blessings and Thanksgiving,

Lesa

To Everything There is a Season

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

A time to be born and a time to die;

A time to plant,

And a time to pluck up that which is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal;

A time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh;

A time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to seek, and a time to lose;

A time to keep and a time to cast away;

A time to rend, and a time to sew;

A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate;

A time for war and a time for peace.

I made a mistake today.

And, I am so sorry.

I was ready to speak with someone, I needed to speak with someone, I had to speak with that someone,

So, I did…..

But, it did not go well.

This is a person…the one person with whom I have had a very intimate relationship for the longest in my life, but no more.

The one I used to share many of my inner most  thoughts, feelings, fears…

I was ready to talk.  I have been preparing and readying myself for this ability to talk for over a year year….I had made my peace, said my prayers, sought His wisdom and prepared.

As a warrior who goes into battle, I have battled to strengthen my resolve, my spirit, my heart.

For talking with this person has long cut at my soul and so,

I counseled prior to speaking to this person, made a list of what needed to be discussed and prepared in every way I knew how.

But, what I didn’t fully take into consideration was that even though this person said they were ready to speak as well, they were not.

God tells us there is “A Time for Everything”….and, a season for every activity under the heavens…

But for this person, that time was not yet….

So, while my healing and brokenness has scabbed over into a manageable scar, this was not the case for both of us.

I sat there listening to the hurt, and anger and scorching words come out of a mouth which I no longer recognized.

And, a little piece of me died.

For, I should have known.  They were not ready.

Their time had not yet come, and I realized as I sat there, it may never come.

That does not make me good and them bad.  Or, vice versa.

God calls us to recognize there is a time for everything – to be born to plan to heal to build

To laugh to dance to bind to embrace to search to keep to mend to speak to love to seek peace

BUT, He also tells us there is a season to die to uproot to kill to tear down to weep to mourn to scatter stones

To refrain from embracing to give up to throw away to tear to be silent to hate and to go to war

God understands that life is a process of healing…we are constantly healing from something

Either we are healing from growing in Him….growing with Him…growing toward Him, a soulful healing…toward God

Or we are healing because of life….with life…through life….a broken kind of healing …..by ourselves

I think God gives us permission to understand that life is full of seasons for a reason….and, that just as sadness can pull us into darkness, joy can draw us into His Holy light…

I also believe God calls us to listen to Him…to be still….

For it is in this stillness that we can step ourselves back and others forward….to let go of selfishness and to gather close compassion.

I missed the mark today.

Because while I have grown into a season of healing and forgiveness and compassion, I had not taken into consideration that the other person had not

And, that that is okay….

God does not call us to be cookie cutters of one another,

He allows each of us to grow in our own time, at our own pace, into that person HE wants us to become

I made a mistake today, but this time, my mistake was made with a right and trying heart.

I am learning.

And, as God pulls me up and out and forward, I pray I never forget the seasons He has walked me through…painful as they have been, they have broken my heart and drawn me closer to a Father who promises that just as earthly seasons come and go, so this season, too, will pass and I will walk more humbly, more tender, more compassionate and more grateful….

Blessings,

Lesa