I Am More Determined Than Ever…..

Age. 

Wisdom. 

Ignorance. 

Compassion. 

Naiveté’. 

Insight. 

Holiness. 

I don’t know what it is that compels me toward determinism (is that even a word?), but each day I walk closer to receiving my LPCA and then my LPCC, I grow more grounded and determined.

And, not that determined as in I am going to potty train my 2 year old before she hits 3, or I am going to pay my cell phone bill on time.  Not that determined which comes from the need to get to the grocery store before the baby wakes up so he will have milk.  Not even that comes from I am going to walk the dog before he goes on the carpet.

The determination I am feeling is that which comes from forcing a child out of your womb freeing it before its heartrate drops one more time.  The determination that a new Air-mom feels the first day her son flights out to BMT that she will pray him through the next 8.5 weeks. 

This determination is the kind I have had when I packed my children’s clothes and moved them from their family home for their personal safety and mental health.  The kind that made me get into the shower each morning even though I had to unstrap a catheter from my leg to do so.

You know…that kind of determination which empowers a Viet Nam veteran to last one more day and one more day until he finally makes it back to 661 Cherrywood drive.  Or, that determination which causes a mother to go and stay with her college age son until he finishes that last final requirement.  

D.E.T.E.R.M.I.N.A.T.I.O.N.

A fixed intention or resolution

And, it is right, this determination I feel

Here is what I have learned about determination

Determination speaks quietly

And consistently

And faithfully

I know this not because I myself am determined, although I hope I am growing that direction, but because I am its witness in the lives of others…

Every day, when I step into “group” with those who are struggling with their personal weaknesses, I don’t see the drug, the substance, the alcohol, the needles, the pills, the urine cups….

I see determination

Yes, sometimes it is barely visible

And, other times, it is in huge allowance

But, most times, that determination sits lightly in the chair and rests itself quietly as we walk through and talk through and cry through how to get the next supply

Of 

Determination

And, this is what I am learning….

ALL of us….All of us….Every one of us…

You

Me

We

Will at some point in our lives lay down our determination at the foot of fear, sorrow, anxiety, sin, grief, pain, anger, stupidity, intolerance, victimization, illness……

We will.....

We will lay it down right on that floor

And, we will lay right down there in a puddle beside our best laid plans, dreams, goals and wishes…

For the lack of it

And, unless you kneel down there beside me…

Unless you stop to give a girl a hand

I may not get back up and stand

With my determination

I may not

You may not…unless I stop to return the favor

And, I wonder, instead of seeing people as problems, social issues, and things to be reckoned with…

Instead, we saw brothers and sisters who gave up?

Who in a world of determined people, lost their….

Determination

Their will

Their ability to battle through whatever it is that challenges them

Because, friends, that is what I am seeing….

The more I counsel, the more I see His people as He sees them…

Beloved

Cherished

Worthy

And loved

People, who have lost their way, just like I have at times

Individuals who have made poor decisions, just like you have at times

Souls who need help finding their way back on the path….which all of us have in one way or another, for some reason or other….

Lost

So, I am determined

That when others are in short supply, I will share

And, when I am in short supply, I will seek

Not that kind of determination I used to walk through the rain to my car with groceries in my hand, nor that kind which required I get up at night to change the sheets for the second time from the illness of a sick child…..

I pray to seek that kind of determination which stays calm in a sea of storms of those I counsel…that will refrain from enabling as equally as it will refrain from judging what I do not know…..

I pray for determination that will last, survive, and even thrive….

And, to share with others, and with faith that in the sharing my own will be multiplied....

Blessings,

Lesa