As Only Your Mama Can…..

May 31, 2014

The Making of a Son……

Only God can knit a son in the womb of a mother. 

And, only God can decide and bring to being the knitting of two sons….but, to the mother who is given the opportunity to be used as such a vessel, there comes blessings…His blessings.

Long before I received the call that you boys were on your way, God whispered into my heart your journey's beginning…so, while receiving the news was a wonderful gift, it was no surprise to this Mama's heart.  Rather, it was confirmation that the stirrings in my soul during my quiet moments with Him were based on truth.

His truth.

For the first five months of my pregnancy with you, I walked….and talked with God.  I made sincere, but perhaps naïve promises to Him that if he would get you boys here safely (and, I always felt you to be boys), that I would do my very best to raise you in Him.   

So, I walked and promised and I prayed and promised and I sang to you and promised….Lord, get them here safely and I will hold them close to you until they can stand beside you alone.

I now understand that all the promises in the world, even those of a mother, are just that….promises.  While well intended, promises are hard to keep and even harder to try to keep.

What I learned by being your mother is that the best I can do is pray….and, love.  And, faithfully give you over to God every day, every day……every day.

Because, Kenton and Johnson, my beloved boys…..what God has taught me these past nineteen years is that you are not my sons, but His.  You are on loan to me for but a short time to love and grow and nurture in Him.  Nothing I can personally do will make you a great man and thankfully, nothing I can do can keep you from being who God intended.

Thank God.

It is the Grace of a loving Heavenly Father who whispers these truths to the heart of your mother because, you see….have seen….and will see…. that your earthly mother is perfectly imperfect.  And, that is okay.

God does not call for perfection from Mothers.  He calls for love….

And, that I can do.

That, I have done.

That, I will continue to do all the days of your lives.

If all I give you, all I leave you as my legacy, is the knowledge that your Mama loves you with all of her heart, all of the time, in all ways, for all of your days….

Then, I will have accomplished the mission God gave me when He gave me you…

I strive to be a humble Mama….never counting my word as "gospel"…….but, of this I am absolutely, perfectly, totally confident,

I love you

I love you both, each, all

I love you as only your Mama can

I love you with the heart God gave me some 19 plus years ago when he knit you in my womb

I love you today

I loved you yesterday

And, I will love you all the tomorrows to come

I will stand in front of, beside and behind you both literally with my physical body and figuratively with my Mama's soul

Being your mother has been one of the greatest gifts of my life both here on earth and for eternity's purpose…..and, I thank God often that of all the mothers in all of the world through all of the ages, for some reason, he chose me….

To be your mother….

Total proof of His great love for me……

My genuine prayer for you is that you grow close to God for the balance of your days…each in your own way….

For only God can knit a son and only God can grow a son into the man He intended. 

What I can do is love you….

And, I do.

"more than all of the stars in all of the skies in all of the world" I love you, Kenton

"more than all of the blades of grass in all of the fields in all of the world" I love you, Johnson

Happy 19th Birthday!

ILYAOYMC,

Mama

Senior Moments…..                                                    May 28, 2014

I have had a front row seat watching Johnson play some type of ball since he was a toddler.  His first true sentence as a verbose little fellow was, "Ma Ma….I Ball".  His birth announcement was a "mama created" Wildcat one and his nursery was UK Blue which his Grammy Shirle made for him and his brother.  It came with UK blue bedding and even headboard with the UK Wildcat on it.

There are many things which make up my son, Johnson…..but, a big part of him is "ball".

When he was little, you could see the cogs running fast in his brain as he stood full stand on the kid-sized picnic table and shot hoops until the sun set and we had to call him in for bath time.  I stood there many days and nights watching him repetitiously shoot the same ball through the same goal; hit the same ball off the same tee….over and over and over.  He was dreaming.  And, I had the special honor of watching those dreams form.

He had dreams, and they were large. 

It was around that time that I heard Eva Self speak at a women's retreat and we adopted as a family the quote her mother shared with her, 

"Honey…you gotta dream big dreams, really, really big dreams…and, you gotta believe in those dreams because baby, if Jesus lives in your dreams, your dreams will live."

Now, as a young mother, I didn't know if Johnson would play professional ball, high school ball or if his ball days would end when he was young, but that didn't matter to me.  What mattered was that he dream….and, that Jesus would live in his dreams.

And, I know in his own way, He has and He does.

As he got older, we would walk as a family down the street to a little local baseball field and practice our hitting, throwing and especially running the bases.  I will never forget the day my children started beating me "home"….

It was a life-changing moment for this Mama…..

I knew that some day they would grow away from our home and to their own.

Thank God that He gives us time with our babies to absorb that idea for it takes the seasons of life to prepare a Mama's heart.

I believe Johnson has played about every sport possible to him within our local community:  soccer, t-ball, baseball, football, basketball, yard ball, monkey in the middle ball, bathtub ball, spit ball, roll down the hill like a ball ball, softball, powder-puff ball (okay, he just watched), catch….he played them all.

If I close my eyes, I can see his little baby hands at birth grow to little toddler hands, then to young man hands and now to what I have personally held….a man's hands.

And, as God as my witness, I cannot count the moments I have thanked HIM for giving me him.

A Mama loves all of her children.  Each has their own special place deep within her heart where God resides and this is true for my son, Johnson.

I have felt his pulse close to my heart all of his life but especially these past four years…..while I have not been the perfect mother and he, not the perfect son, our love for mother to son and son to mother has been imperfect-perfection.

He allows me to be transparent, real and authentic.  We tell one another the truth, even when it is ugly and especially when it is beautiful.  We have fought away from one another and mostly toward one another.  I have stood my ground with him and as result, my heart has grown stronger.  He has forgiven my mistakes, and as a result, his heart has grown more tender.

I have stood behind him in truth and he has stood in front of me in love.

We have cried together and we have laughed out loud…Tears-100    Laughter-1,000,000

He has kept me awake with worry and has brought peaceful sleep by sending me a text, "Mama, I made it."

His texting "ILY" which comes to me often times so unexpected has seared itself on my heart like a branding from God.

"Mommy" sounds the sweetest from his lips and yes, I can be known to give in when maybe I shouldn't when hearing those words.

He costs me a ton of money and a million gray hairs.

He hacks me off like no other and yet, draws me close to God with life lessons only Johnson can teach his mother.

It is mainly because of him that I have learned that IF and WHEN I truly love my children, I have to give them to God over and over and over again…..

For, Johnson has taught me….I do not own him.  He is but a gift and those days I have with him are precious ones which I count sacred….

For, the love of a child is a gift without measure.

Johnson has taught me that and oh, so much more….

I pray God gifts us with many, many more seasons in this thing we call life and that He gives me the wisdom to appreciate the value of this gift….

In this son He gave me…Johnson

ILYAOYMC,

I love you more than all the blades of grass on all of the fields in all of the world…..

Mama