At first pass, I am likely to respond “the kindness, genuine affection and tenderness of my husband; the sweetness, liveliness and joy of my children; the faithful and abiding love of my parents”….and on and on…those intangible “feelings” brought to my heart, my spirit by the out reaching of others in my life. They are dear to me in ways words cannot express. Like water to the flowers and sun to their growth, I hold dear the hearts of those who choose to love me…just as I am.
But, I am learning.
Ever, always, constantly the student, learning…..
And, the learning comes with work….reconsideration….willingness to admit I know very little and what I do know, is not always what God would have me to know..
I am learning that God requires Abandonment….to Him
What does that even mean?
I look…
Abandon….”to leave someone or something behind; to leave for reason of safety without the intention of returning soon; to renounce.”
I didn’t know how serious to abandon something was.
I do now. I have done this abandoning at different times in my life. But, the abandoning I have done is not the abandoning of which God speaks….
I know this as well because I abandoned within human definition, not God’s.
The more I come to know Him and His ways, the more I come to know that God would have us hold fast in faith and trust that He will carry us, cover us, counter for us….contain us. He will protect us, provide for us, hold fast to us in our abandonment to Him.
The more I study Him and hold hands with Him through my life, the more I realize through Him all things are possible….and that any abandoning we must to should be To Him….
He may provide avenues to follow Him which we do not understand…creative, hard, simple, generous paths. He may provide avenues which are hard, painful, which we think we cannot survive.
But, while God calls us to abandon ourselves to Him, HE never abandons us.
I know this is His truth to us.
While God will allow us choice, and decision, and free will; He never falters in His compassion, carry, strength to pull us to Him.
If we but ask.
If we but seek.
If we but trust.
I have a dear friend, Russ, who has pretty consistently hugged me and said, “Lesa…everything happens for a reason.”
Again and again…tender words. I think now, what he was encouraging me to understand is that no matter what I go through in my life; it is not in vain. There is a purpose. His words kept me looking “up” to God rather than down on myself. And, in the so-doing, that has made the difference.
As God is wont to do, He illuminates things to us through time..and, as I move further and further away from times past and more and more into times future, I am seeing things more clearly…as the fog of pain and anguish is melted into nothingness and my heart peeks out, my thoughts come clear, my soul is replenished, things, thoughts become more understood.
Nothing in my life is without purpose.
Holy purpose.
Not to simply “get me through” but to grow me into.
To God, I matter. You matter. We matter.
We are not simply here to exist. We are here to give glory.
To Him.
Not because God needs our glory. But, because WE need to be a vessel of glorifying Him. Without that, our life is one big struggle without purpose or aim.
BUT, with that…our life takes on a holy dimension which gives purpose and authenticity….
That is why Russ speaks truth…even the bad, even the sad, even the painful has purpose.
I see the truth of that….my friend loses a precious daughter perhaps to make all of us appreciate the power of God and the shortness of life; my brother in Christ suffers mental illness perhaps to draw out tenderness and compassion from those of us to know him so that we can more fully understand the heart wrenching gentleness of God.
When I was a children’s minister, I remember telling a friend, Jackie, “Since I have been working for the church, I have noticed that there is so much pain in life.”
I will never forget her sage reply….”Lesa…there is no new amount of pain in life. The volume is no greater. The difference is that you now are in a position to see more clearly God working in your own life and in others.”
Powerful.
I had been shielded, protected, held back from the understanding. Likely because in my sheltered existence, I could not fathom how to deal with the pain in life.
But, would come to fathom such.
And, as God is likely to do, He has allowed me in the sharing of this new understanding and I am forever grateful. Not grateful for the experiences which brought me here, but grateful for the growth in my heart of understanding, insight and compassion.
Grateful that at least I know now that I know nothing…..and that any small amount I might come to understand is solely due to God’s mercy on my life brought on by His desire to teach me, by His desire to draw me close…to never give up on me…to always have hope in me.
He tells me very clearly, “But if from there you seek your God, you will find Him if you seek Him with all of your heart and with all of your soul.” “When you are in distress and all these things have happened to you, then in later days you will return to the Lord your God and obey Him. For the Lord your God; he will not abandon or destroy you or forget the covenant with your ancestors, which He confirmed to them by oath.”
The peace, the hope, the joy which comes from knowing that while I may not have it all figured out yet…this Abandonment to Him I am asked to give
The more I abandon myself to Him….the more he stands fast in not abandoning me.
Blessings,
Lesa
