I have a confession to make…

And, I'm not proud of it….

If you go to my Kindle which I received as a gift in 2010 for my birthday, you will see "Shades of Grey" listed in the book list.  Not only will you see the book, but, I have read it.

Worse than that, I automatically ordered the additional two books because I am a voracious reader who loves to read all books in a series, so I assumed this would be no different.

Now, before some of you become defensive in your own mind or others of you rush to judge me…

I want to ask for grace

If you choose to read them and go to the movie, I won't judge (I cannot judge for I am unworthy)

If you are a staunch supporter of not reading them and will not go to the movie, I won't praise you (praises from me are meaningless, I am no one to follow)

What each of us chooses to do with our time, our mind, our hearts and our souls is a personal decision and frankly, in most situations, is a private personal decision.

Whether you are a woman of faith or not, you are a woman with free will and free choice 

And, I personally believe that free will came at a great price…one which I hold sacred more and more each passing day

I read Book one of Shades of Grey at a time in my life when I had grown hardened to worldly things and worldly ways and worldly words…it happened slowly

I grew up on soap operas, even more soap operas in college, historical romances and moving to a book like Shades of Gray was just another rung on the ladder.  

I had been exposed to a significant other's walk down a path which damaged our relationship so much that it ended….poorly….and without God's blessing, all hidden behind a white-picket fence which still stands in another's yard even today

I don't ever want to be in that position again

But, it is a battle

Guarding my heart requires a "work of art" effort every single day of my life

I wish that I could tell you that I always was and am pristine in my current reading selections, but I am not

Sometimes, I find that I read a book….get to the point where I realize it is not going to go down a path which is appropriate and yet, I finish the book….every word. 

More times than not, I am able to pull myself away and that is mercy in my life, sure as anything, from a power higher than my own

I love to read three books at one time….an educational book, a religious based book and a historical romance book….it's the historical romance books and the like which can cause me to stumble if I am not careful…and, they are cheap….cheaper than Christian fictional romance books….WHY is that?

The same applies to movies I watch, people I listen to, choices I make in friendships, confidants and soul-companions I hold close

For some reason, reading about Mary and Ruth and Esther does not have the same pull of my interest as that Anastasia and Mavis and Madeline Ashton

I cannot tell you exactly why that is….but, I know that the same pull which draws me to the latter is the same pull which leaves me feeling shallow and hollow and empty….and unbeautiful and even more unlovely and unGodly

I wonder…..does it really matter?

Yes….

It matters to me, to my heart, to my soul

And, just as important, it matters to those whom I love

My daughter, my sons….my husband…..my family….my God

Who I am at the heart level matters….

I know this as much as I know anything in my life

When we sacrifice our heart's holiness at the altar of the world's unholiness, there is a consequence which will be lived out in our daily walk upon this earth

A worldly life accumulates within in us, not in possessions that we can keep and use and enjoy, but as a bitter hollowness which pulls us down into a darkness which we cannot explain nor in which we can thrive

This is truth….I see it daily

Since I have become a student these past few years…of clinical mental health counseling….we discuss frequently the dark abyss which so many have fallen in to….

How can we help?  How can we personally avoid doing the same?

So many have opened doors which once opened are so very difficult to close, if that can at all happen

So many have been impacted by others who have walked down paths which have caused such bruising of their own souls that in turn, they have only pain and sorrow to pour out on others, even those who they love and hold dear

Am I saying that one, three-volume series of books can ruin a nation?

No

But, when we take our minds and our souls and our hearts to places where there is not foundation for goodness, then we scratch away at our woman-hood in a way which erodes the light which is within each of us, and it is that light which fires fruitful and beautiful living

I know not a single woman of whom I call a friend who has not been hurt by either her own or another's decision to give way to the call of this world

And, the call of the world comes to us in many forms, most of which are dressed in ways which are unrecognizable until it is too late…

I can tell you from personal experience having read Book one of Shades of Grey….what I gained from reading the book is nothing, but what I lost in self-respect, self-discovery and personal integrity is not something I want to pursue Valentine's day 2015

My heart

My soul

My personhood

That is where my treasures lay….all within the foundation of a Holy God

It is a daily process, this laying down what I hold sacred…I will stumble, I will fall and at times, I will meet with success…

So…

For me….For Lesa

I will pass this movie "opportunity"

Blessings,

Lesa