As Only Your Mama Can….

I have been waking up between 3:30am and 4:30am for the past several weeks.  This used to frustrate me because I just knew I needed that extra sleep.  But, now, I have been reminded that if I am waking up, it is usually because God has something He wants to share with me….. 

And, as I reflected this morning on my early am awakenings, I remembered this…every single morning I have gone ahead and gotten out of bed…yes, even at 3:30am, God has blessed me.  He has either been with me as I prayed, sat beside me as I blogged or sang along with me as I sang…..He was/is gifting me with His time….

This morning was no exception. 

I awoke at 4:11am to the little chime on my phone….so, I reached over and went through my messages and found an email from you…. 

It was written on March 23, 2009….. 

And, it both broke my heart….and gave me great peace. 

It is a love letter written from daughter to mother….over four years ago.  You would have been 19 years old…. 

a letter spoken in truth about the truth of our relationship.  It is a little piece of your heart laid out bare and broken all in words written in black and white. 

But, it is even more than that…..it is a seeking and a giving of forgiveness….an explanation….a journal of how we got to where we were and how we have come to where we are…. 

It brought with it’s reading so many emotions from me…. 

Precious, precious to my heart beloved daughter are your words….and even more precious to me is that you not only ask to be forgiven….but, that you forgive…. 

Parents are humans, we make mistakes…and, in your case, grave mistakes…. 

But, rather than bind us and you up with anger and frustration and un-forgiveness…. 

You forgive. 

I cannot tell you what a difference that has made and does make in my life.   

To hear your child tell you they love you even through their pain.  To have them place upon your life a heart of forgiveness..

It is a double gift….one, to be forgiven for not being the mother to you that you deserve and two, to enable your mother to see such a precious heart of God in her child.

To know that deep in the wellspring of your heart where God resides, you hold my hand and draw me in to sit beside you, mother and child and allow us to share together….. 

It’s a gift I hold close…and, always will 

Your words are precious to my heart… 

I hope someday you can learn to know me. The REAL me. Not the one you think you know. The one that loves poetry but hates reading it out loud. The one who's favorite color is usually the same as her mother's. The girl who enjoys picking her brothers up from school, and being able to spend time with them. The girl who is fascinated with Art and the Ballet. The girl who watches movies that give her hope of a happy life of her own someday. The girl who gets frustrated when she feels she can’t share news with her parents because of their tendency to "overreact". The girl who used to jump off of the roof at Balsam Drive into a pile of leaves. The little girl that loved the little "brick oven" she had made for her and the girl who loved to garden with her mother. The girl whose time in the hourglass is passing by, one grain of sand at a time. And the girl that regrets every single hurtful word she has ever said to her mother, and her father.

Baby, not many people have it in them to break open their hearts and give over their hurts in forgiving and in seeking forgiveness…and, don’t be fooled….we all have this need.

But, you do. 

And, I can only imagine how our Father in Heaven looks upon you with great love and favor for doing so…for it is He who calls us to such a life as you have already figured out how to live…. 

I don’t know why out of all the daughters in all the world and from all of the heavens that God sent you to me.. 

But, on my mother’s heart, I promise you this… 

I bow in prayer of thanksgiving that He did…… 

And, I am eternally grateful. 

ILYAOYMC,

Mama

 

 

 

 

 

 

 




Our Senior Moments…… 

September 22, 2013 

You carry these babies 9-10 months.  You rock them and nurse them and change their diapers.  You go without sleep and pray over their little heads as you take in the sweet, baby smell. 

You mold them and shape them and grow them to the very best of your ability. 

 

You share Barney, ABC’s, Bible Men 2 and Veggie Tales….. 

I am Mama to one daughter, twin boys and a baby in heaven we call Joseph. 

And, now…while my mothering may not be coming to an end….it is changing.  Sometimes, the change feels quick and abrupt.  Sometimes, it feels slow and even paced.  Mostly it just feels…. 

Different. 

Today, as we took my boy’s senior portraits, I saw men where boys once resided.  Where little hands used to be are now the hands which will rock my grandbabies, God willing…..And I am so grateful….so very, very grateful for this privilege of motherhood. 

It is a gift.  One which I appreciate as much as anything in my life. 

And, today, I was reminded…. 

Of how very blessed I am. 

~Grateful

 

 

 

And, this is what I learned……

An anniversary of sorts:  Today is the first day since I was diagnosed with breast cancer that I have been fully un-fettered by it’s presence in my life.  Treatments long past, doctor’s appointments scheduled once per year, and first day no longer taking Tamoxifin…my friend these past five years…this is my thank you….to you.

I was 46 years old when I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  Early stage. Highly survivable.  Reportedly, a small blip on the screen of my life.

 

And, I got to “keep them”.  A gift for which I have been very grateful every one of the 1,974 days since I received  “the news”.

Stage zero….I was told.  So, I thought to myself, stage zero means it is “pre-cancerous” and not really cancer at all.  “No,” I was told.  You most definitely have cancer, but just a little….nothing which we cannot likely heal.  You will be fine. 

And, for the most part, they were right. 

What they fail to tell you is that no matter how small is your cancer, big is the change in your life.  For it is at the very moment you hear the “C” word, that everything changes for you…. 

It was at that very moment, while sitting in the parking lot of Kohl’s clothing store that I heard that word…

And, was changed. 

Forever. 

And, in my opinion, for the better. 

Having cancer changed my life.   

In fact, it brought me back into my life.  It reminded me for whom I was to live….and die. 

I look back now and see the line in the sand of my life which delineates “pre cancer” and “post cancer”. 

On this side of the sand, I have experienced sorrow that has forever changed my heart…sorrow which has changed the hearts of others.  Some for which I bear responsibility and accountability, some of which another bears responsibility and accountability. 

And, for a season, I lived in the sorrow….until, I thought I would physically die from the heartache….not the cancer.

But, our God is faithful…..He never leaves us….He carries us when we cannot walk, He lifts us up when we cannot stand.

He takes the messes of our lives and changes them into not only beautiful things, but to works of art…. 

Before cancer, I was a faux woman living a faux life with a faux white-picket-fence family in a faux existence……we were liars in our own home pretending we were having “the time of our life” when in actuality, we were none.of.that. 

I was not doing this on purpose.  I was doing this to survive in a world where those who lay bare their hearts to that same world are deemed odd or strange or “pieces of work”.   

We, as a people, like things neat and tidy and ordered.  In fact, we call that “godly”.  But, not all of us, in fact most of us, are not any of those things.  We have hidden pains, secret sorrows, deeply felt oddities….

When I think of my personal friends…those who know me intimately….none of them…not a single one of them is neat and tidy.  All have had their own “c” moments in life…the truly walking wounded whether by decision of their own hands, or the arrows life has thrown at them. 

But, to me…….. 

THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL…..beyond description, too marvelous for words…. 

I took the time this morning as I was writing this blog to make a list…..it took me over an hour to write down the names of the women in my life who had walked beside me, in front of me, beside me….and, at times, for whom I took that walk with them…

God bless and bless each and every one of you…. 

And know…I am a heart of gratefulness because you have been and are in my life… 

I am here….because you were there…

So, as I write this….some One Thousand Nine Hundred Seventy Four days post hearing the “you’ve got cancer” news, I honor each of you…. 

I am grateful to you.  I am grateful for you.  I am grateful to Him for you.

You hit your knees on my behalf, you held my hand.  You watched my children.  You gave me the “c” news.  You sent me letters, cards, emails, notes.  You made calls, cleaned my home and brought me plants and food.   

You were the hands and heart of Jesus to me and my children….. 

You stood in front of me…

You stood behind me.

You stood to my right.

You stood to my left. 

I was never left uncovered, un-prayed for, un-loved. 

I was always lifted, encouraged and embraced. 

There are very few things in this life for which I am certain….but, this is one. 

 

There is no greater army a woman can have in her life than an army of her sister-friends when headed into battle….no matter what the kind…. 

So, today, this day, I thank you, I honor you, I love you. 

And, I thank our God who knew… 

He knew the value each and every one of you would have in my life. 

He knew I needed you.

And, he made sure to cross our paths….. 

And, to Him I say… 

Thank you…. 

For You!

Blessings…. 

Lesa

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As Only Your Mama Can….

Precious daughter, these blogs become more meaningful to me with the passing of each day.  While I am not “old” in my heart, spirit or belief, I have reached the age where I realize that every day I have with you is a gift to be treasured and that no day is one to take for granted.  This knowing is not a somber thing, it is a gift from God….for, it gives direction to my life and the ability to grow a grateful heart and a purpose to my time spent.

This week is “V”…..

V is for Voice, Venia and Voyage

V is for Voice

When God gives us life, He gives us a voice.  While at first, our voice consists of cries out to our parents, and later to sweet child-like chatter, still even later it becomes our avenue for communicating with others…with the world.   I sincerely am coming to believe that so many people struggle in their lives because they do not feel heard….they have joys, sorrows, happy happenings and painful struggles which they strive to share in hopes of having their living shared, but often feel unheard….and, therefore unloved, uncared for, unfulfilled….

They have a voice….but they do not have a soul who will listen.

Bless and bless those who are able to listen.

Bless even moreso those who are able to share that there is one who is faithful to listen to our voices….every single moment of every single day of our lives….one who loves us, loves our voice, loves it when we speak.

That is my challenge to you precious daughter as you live your life…

Find your own voice…..search for it as you would the most golden of treasures.  Come to know who you are and do it on purpose (nod to Dolly Pardon)

And, just as importantly, listen to others who would need to share with you their voice in a world where listening is a lost art and opining is the order for the day.

And, share with your voice, your words, your ability to those who do not know….that God, our maker, creator, counselor….the very one who created our voices as we were knit in our mother’s womb, is the very one who knows the value of our voice and whose great desire is to hear it spoken….

In words, in song, in praise of Him…..in prayer, in meditation, in joyful noise!

Tell that to those who do not know….tell them about Him.

For in your telling, there you will find your own….

Voice.

V is for Venia

Venia….such a beautiful Latin word with an even lovelier meaning.

When someone offers venia to another, they are offering “grace in abundance”

Pardon

Forgiveness

Mercy

We all have things in our lives for which we seek venia…..mistakes, wrong-doings, hurts we have caused others either out of ignorance or, at times, even on purpose.

We all have things in our lives for which we would need to offer venia…extending pardon to one who has hurt us, who has laid bare their sinfulness on our hearts and has forever branded us, our hearts, our spirits.

I challenge you in this as well….offer not only venia…..but venia in abundance.

Grace.

For His word tells us…

“It is by grace you have been saved.”  ~Ephesians 2:5

 

For, if God’s grace has had the ability to save us, shouldn’t we offer it back to others in our submission to His example?

Grace does not necessarily require that we stand and permit another to harm us with our blessing.  What it does allow, is in the process of moving ourselves into the shelter of God, we give all things over to Him and grow in our venia…..God has promised He will “fight for us; that we need only to be still.” ~Exodus 14:14.

V is for Voyage

There is a common saying that “life is a journey”…..a long trip or passage of time….

And, it is…

“Mortals, born of woman, are of few days and full of trouble.  They spring up like  flowers and wither away; like fleeting shadows, they do not endure.  A person’s days are determined; you have decreed the number of his months and set limits he cannot exceed.”  ~Job 14:1, 2, 5)

Our lives are not only journeys, but how long the journey will last is not something we can even know or hope to know.  That is why we do not squander our days….it is why we need to find our voice and use it…it is why we should show venia along the way.

I did not know this at twenty-three.  It is something I want you to understand and want my legacy to be to you..

This understanding that life is a gift….each day you have on this earth has meaning and value.  The same Father who counts the numbers of hairs on your head is the same Father who knows the numbers of your days.  His gift to you is life.  Your gift to Him is in how you live out His gift. 

I don’t believe God wants us to stress out over our every waking moment in fear that we are not doing, being, giving, helping, sharing, studying, praying…..enough (for there is never enough), but what I do believe God desires of us is to live out our days with a purpose….making the most of our voyage on this earth, sharing His love, His grace, His compassion and His truth with others, starting with ourselves and paying it forward to those around us.

And, baby….I’ve told you since you were little that “love is in the details.”…….Loving God is in the details of how you live your moments that He gives you….it’s the little obediences in your daily voyage which will enable you to walk into bigger obediences as you walk your life.

Enjoy your voyage…your journey….your road traveled. 

In fact, Delight in your voyage…relish it’s blessings and joys.

ADORE….your life.

It is His gift to you….

Blessings,

ILYAOYMC

Mama

 

 

 

 

 

…..As Only Your Mama Can 

U is for Unfailing, Unseen and Ubiquitous

 

U is for Unfailing

 

You and I have a favorite movie, A Walk to Remember.  Toward the end, when Landon is aware that Jamie is dying, Jamie gives him a gift of poetry and quotes which her mother had collected.  This was one of Jamie’s greatest earthly treasures.  In it was I Corinthians 13…which she quoted to Landon as she lay dying.  And, it was at this moment that she promised Landon her unfailing love.  Then, at the end of the movie as the scene leaves their wedding and moves to the sky outside the beautiful little church, Landon uses this term to describe Jamie’s love…of God, of him, of her father…. 

Unfailing….

Love that is unfailing is the kind of love God wants us to have for one another.  Unfailing love is the kind of love of which you are “always able to supply more.” 

It the kind of love God calls upon a husband to have for his wife.  The kind of love a mother has for her child.

It’s the kind of love which does not have an end, but which grows and grows and grows… 

That is my Mama’s prayer for you….to find and to give unfailing love. 

“Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.  What a person desires is unfailing love.”  Proverbs 20: 21-22.

I love you, dear daughter, with an unfailing love which will always grow and which will always be….. 

Wait for that kind of love in a mate, for with unfailing love, your own love will be complete.  And, once you have found that kind of love, guard it, nurture it, invest in it…. 

Love it back….unfailingly. 

U Is for Unseen 

Something not observed or perceived is said to be unseen and in my fifty-one years, it has seemed to me that often is the occasion that those things which are unseen are those things which are of greatest significance to me and my life….and, yet, I know with great confidence that they exist. 

God….in faith I believe in Him, in my life there is evidence of Him 

Love…in living I experience it, in sharing I give it….

Joy…in suffering I find it, in truth I live with it 

God, Love, Joy…..I cannot see them, but like the wind, I can feel them…. 

And, I believe. 

It is in our faith in these unseen things which brings to us hope. 

“Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly, we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4: 16-18 

Take to heart in your life the power of those things unseen and give them over to God…. 

They are not unseen because you are blind to them.  They are unseen because God pulls you to Him through them…

U is for ubiquitous

I confess that as I prepared for this week’s blog, this word kept tumbling itself inside my head…I could not shake it off, I could not invite it to leave.  As I walked and prayed in the early morning, I kept thinking of ubiquitous…so, I looked it up… 

Ubiquitous means something which is seen everywhere at the same time…existing everywhere….omnipresent

So, I thought….am I supposed to talk about God and His omnipresence in your life?

Am I to discuss the use of cell phones which seem to be all over the place and for which we have a fetish?

But, the more I read of ubiquitous and studied its Latin roots, I realized, ubiquitous is not necessarily a good thing. 

When something is everywhere, all the time, in all places, surrounding all things, it is often taken for granted, overlooked and unappreciated… 

We often take things that are ubiquitous for granted, until they disappear. 

I have experienced that in my own life….having blessings so abundant that it was not until they were gone that I fully appreciated what I had.

I have lived on both sides of ubiquitous, and both were painful. 

As Kathleen Kelley and Joe Fox say in You Got Mail,

 

Joe Fox: It wasn't... personal.

Kathleen Kelly: What is that supposed to mean? I am so sick of that. All that means is that it wasn't personal to you. But it was personal to me. It's *personal* to a lot of people. And what's so wrong with being personal, anyway?

Joe Fox: Uh, nothing.

Kathleen Kelly: Whatever else anything is, it ought to begin by being personal. 

LIFE is personal.  Kathleen Kelley got that right…she understood that to be ubiquitous was not necessarily a good thing…

Choose not to live a ubiquitous life….it’s not important that you be everywhere, all the time, in all places, being all things to all people.

What matters is that you are present where you are…with the people you are with….

That you are personal with yourself and with your life.

You and I are learning in our counseling studies that individuals who learn to “be present” in their lives are those who are the most healthy.  That makes sense to me in light of this term ubiquitous.  If you try to be everywhere, being everything to everyone, you spread yourself so thin that there is little left of you to fully be.

Would it make more sense to choose to “be” where God puts us?  To live in the moments of where we are until He moves us to a new place?

When I bring to mind those individuals who are strong in faith, strong in health, strong in life, it is those individuals who seem to have this figured out.  They are personal with others but they do not try to be everything to all people.

They live in the moment of where they are….allowing God to use them as He will.

Un-ubiquitous.

I love you unfailingly,
      as only your Mama can,

Mama

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As Only Your Mama Can…. 

T is for Testimony, Truth and Tippy Toes

 

A lesson I should have known clearly but did not fully understand until 2010 is the importance, the significance….the life-changing value of my personal testimony.  Testimony, by definition means, “a solemn declaration, an outward sign of an inward truth.”

How you behave on the outside tells the world the truth of your heart on your inside.

Think about that….imagine that in your head. 

The reality is that sometimes we behave a certain way out of fear, desperation, defeat….anger, hurt, desire to remove ourselves…..ignorance, selfishness, stupidity…..and yes, at times, sinfulness. 

You and I both have moments in our lives where our personal testimonies do not reflect the truth of what we “want” our hearts to be testifying to the world…but, it is all the world can see….. 

Lest you feel defeated in this, don’t.  You and I are not unique in this failure in testimony.  All are.  No one’s testimony is perfect and for those who think theirs is….THAT is their failure in testimony…believing they are perfect in their living.

But…we are only responsible for ourselves, our lives, our testimonies.   

Your testimony is a gift you give back to the world in the name of Jesus… 

How you live your life, the words you choose to use, the photos you select to display, the work ethic you produce at work, the love you show others, the way you dress, to drink or not to drink, to be a giver rather than a taker, to worship in your daily living… 

These are all your testimony to the world….and they answer the question…. 

“Whom does Madison love the most?” 

Does her testimony bear witness for her love of God…His son?  The Holy Spirit? 

Or does she live for the world?

Every day…every moment of every day…your life is a testimony of what your heart cherishes and treasures… 

Make yours a beautiful Testimony, sweetheart….. 

Make your daily living be a beautiful work of art…a treasure…a gift of love and laughter and “light”….

Let your words, your actions, your personal character be that of sweetness and bold witness to the one who gave you life…and, take that life and make it a masterpiece…not of perfect living for that is not possible, but of sincere striving to live a testimony which brings glory and honor and love to Him……

And, by doing so…..you will have a life that when you return it back to Him, you can smile that Father’s daughter’s smile of peace and joy and faith…..your days will be witness to the greatest of all things… 

His love. 

T is for Truth 

You know that one of my absolutely, positively, much beloved verses is: 

John 8: 31032:   So Jesus was saying to those Jews who had believed Him, "If you continue in My word, then you are truly disciples of Mine; and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free." 

Our family lived many years hiding an ugly truth behind closed doors and surrounded by a white picket fence.  I realize now the sin of that and, our family is broken because of that hiding.  Some lessons need only be learned one time, and this is one of them. 

Live in truth, daughter. 

As Beth Moore told me (via her Bible Study) this week, “live in the light of God’s truth so that He can shine on the darkness that would exist if not for His light of Truth.” 

We don’t live this way because it is “messy, ugly, painful.”  But, you know what.....there is a reason for that.  Sin hides in darkness….and, that darkness will not…never…never ever go away until the witness of God’s truth shed’s its light on that sin….. 

This is truth. 

BUT, conversely, when you live in truth….your world becomes free. 

Free indeed. 

There is a freedom God gives to truth-tellers which is HOLY….which is BOUNTIFUL….which is LOVELY….which brings about a peace like nothing in this world can bring.

The more you come to know God….the more you are able to live in truth. 

Come to know Him….study His heart….learn His ways…. 

And live in the truth of His Word… 

One of the things I want to pass along to my clients which was passed along to me by my counselor, Rhonda Souder, is the verse I listed above…. 

She told me, Chose this day whom you will serve and Lesa…..Tell The Truth 

I am so grateful for her sage advice because while to the world my personal truth may be ugly….to God it is beautiful.  When you go to the Father and lay it all down in humble effort to be God’s Girl….He receives you with open arms and full forgiveness….He makes you whole and pure and white as only He can!

That, my precious daughter is Powerful.  And, honestly, it is ALL of which matters.

When we do this, He promises…to make us New….

II Corinthians 5:17:  Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come. Now all these things are from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation,… 

Ezekiel 36:26-27: I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. ²⁷ And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. ²⁸ Then you will live in the land I gave your ancestors; you will be my people, and I will be your God.

So, tell the Truth…..and, live such a life that being a truth-teller is an easy thing for you to do. 

T is for Tippy Toes

Live a life on your Tippy Toes…..in Awe!  In Amazement of all that God provides for you!! 

One of my very favorite pictures of you was at a church family’s pot luck.  They had a white fence and you climbed to the top rung with your feet on the second from the top rung…you were on your tippy toes and I was afraid you would fall.  You wore a navy and red (4^th of July outfit) and had the sweetest little piggy tails.  I believe it was Aunt Tita (Anita McIntyre) who reached over and grabbed my arm as I started to run to “save” you from a great fall.  She stopped me…and said, “Lesa…let her be.  At worst, she will fall a short distance onto the soft ground below.  But, at best, she will come to feel safe.  Look at her little face….the joy she feels from reaching “up”….that’s the direction you want to point her….UP…to Him, so let her go.” 

And, with my heart in my chests about ready to burst, I did that….I let you stand on tippy toes…and reach up.

Stand on those tippy toes even as you mature into this life.  Mature in wisdom of His word, but with the hearts of a child…. 

Matthew 18:2-4:  And He called a child to Himself and set him before them, and said, "Truly I say to you, unless you are converted and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven. "Whoever then humbles himself as this child, he is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.… 

And, always, always……always look “up”…. 

ILYAOYMC,

Mama