As Only Your Mama Can….

I have been waking up between 3:30am and 4:30am for the past several weeks.  This used to frustrate me because I just knew I needed that extra sleep.  But, now, I have been reminded that if I am waking up, it is usually because God has something He wants to share with me….. 

And, as I reflected this morning on my early am awakenings, I remembered this…every single morning I have gone ahead and gotten out of bed…yes, even at 3:30am, God has blessed me.  He has either been with me as I prayed, sat beside me as I blogged or sang along with me as I sang…..He was/is gifting me with His time….

This morning was no exception. 

I awoke at 4:11am to the little chime on my phone….so, I reached over and went through my messages and found an email from you…. 

It was written on March 23, 2009….. 

And, it both broke my heart….and gave me great peace. 

It is a love letter written from daughter to mother….over four years ago.  You would have been 19 years old…. 

a letter spoken in truth about the truth of our relationship.  It is a little piece of your heart laid out bare and broken all in words written in black and white. 

But, it is even more than that…..it is a seeking and a giving of forgiveness….an explanation….a journal of how we got to where we were and how we have come to where we are…. 

It brought with it’s reading so many emotions from me…. 

Precious, precious to my heart beloved daughter are your words….and even more precious to me is that you not only ask to be forgiven….but, that you forgive…. 

Parents are humans, we make mistakes…and, in your case, grave mistakes…. 

But, rather than bind us and you up with anger and frustration and un-forgiveness…. 

You forgive. 

I cannot tell you what a difference that has made and does make in my life.   

To hear your child tell you they love you even through their pain.  To have them place upon your life a heart of forgiveness..

It is a double gift….one, to be forgiven for not being the mother to you that you deserve and two, to enable your mother to see such a precious heart of God in her child.

To know that deep in the wellspring of your heart where God resides, you hold my hand and draw me in to sit beside you, mother and child and allow us to share together….. 

It’s a gift I hold close…and, always will 

Your words are precious to my heart… 

I hope someday you can learn to know me. The REAL me. Not the one you think you know. The one that loves poetry but hates reading it out loud. The one who's favorite color is usually the same as her mother's. The girl who enjoys picking her brothers up from school, and being able to spend time with them. The girl who is fascinated with Art and the Ballet. The girl who watches movies that give her hope of a happy life of her own someday. The girl who gets frustrated when she feels she can’t share news with her parents because of their tendency to "overreact". The girl who used to jump off of the roof at Balsam Drive into a pile of leaves. The little girl that loved the little "brick oven" she had made for her and the girl who loved to garden with her mother. The girl whose time in the hourglass is passing by, one grain of sand at a time. And the girl that regrets every single hurtful word she has ever said to her mother, and her father.

Baby, not many people have it in them to break open their hearts and give over their hurts in forgiving and in seeking forgiveness…and, don’t be fooled….we all have this need.

But, you do. 

And, I can only imagine how our Father in Heaven looks upon you with great love and favor for doing so…for it is He who calls us to such a life as you have already figured out how to live…. 

I don’t know why out of all the daughters in all the world and from all of the heavens that God sent you to me.. 

But, on my mother’s heart, I promise you this… 

I bow in prayer of thanksgiving that He did…… 

And, I am eternally grateful. 

ILYAOYMC,

Mama