An update on Lesa......

July 30, 2014

An Update:

Precious Friends,

I thank God for holding me close today as I went through a procedure and a consult with my original surgeon.  While the news was not as had hoped, it is an answer to prayer….He walked with me and you covered me with you prayers.  

Second surgery is required.  If you want details, feel free to PM me.  I had a long, lengthy note for you to read as a prayer request, but the reality is

HE knows exactly what I need to heal….

I just ask that you petition God on my behalf for His will to be done in His time and with the results He wants for my life…

I have not only given this to God, I surrender my all to it….my body, my heart and my spirit

I can do that because He loves me

And, thankfully, so do you…

Prayers appreciated…

Love to all of you,

Lesa

It's All in How We Die……..and, in How We Live 

There is a truth I have come to accept these past 37 days….

Early on, I wasn't wise enough to understand, then later, I knew its truth but didn't give the respect to this knowledge that it deserved and here lately….specifically, the past 37 days, I have come to adult acceptance of its truth…

I am dying

As sure as I was born in Germany in March of 1962….

I am dying

And, not in those little incremental "way off in the future" deaths which we have when we are young, nor in those larger-life deaths when become adults, but in that, "hey, life is short if you live to be old" moments which come with age….

52

I have been dying for 52 years

Ever since my "Daddy's girl" Mama married my "Military boy" Daddy and they saw fit to hug one another tightly enough in prayer to have God grant them a foreign born baby girl, 

I have been dying

You cannot live without the promise of its counterpart….dying

There is a peace which comes to the heart of a woman who knows she's dying…

There is a sense of right and wrong, happy and sad, holding on and letting go which is brought to clarity in mind's eye when you can say the words,

"I am dying"

Now, lest my siblings confront me with my bent, in their minds, toward dramatic flair…(we are a dramatic family, I kid you not)

I want to assure you

I don't think I am going to take that final sleep this very moment (although that is clearly up to our Creator)

But, what I am understanding during the long, twenty-four hours I spend sitting reading….talking…texting…enjoying the laughter of my family and the quiet of my solitude is...

That there is truth in the statement

I am dying

And, when you have such knowledge so closely held within your daily living…

You become blessed

You become blessed, you are blessed, you will be blessed with this little nugget of knowledge because I believe it is at that nano-moment you get that you are, yes, truly, without fail, going to die that….

You start to really live

Now, I do know folks who are sage and wise and so much more aware for their years than the average you and me….they know this truth early in their life and it makes a difference in how they spend their days…

Jesus…comes quickly to mind

But, also Mother Teresa, Viktor Frankle, Billy Graham, Mary…..

And others not so well known

IY, KK, IY, ER, KB….to list a few

But, for most of us…I think this blessing of knowledge comes later in life

What is special about even the late-bloomers (myself included, I hope), is that even though it takes them a little longer to accept this living/dying truth, they still plant seeds of hope and truth along their ways...

A young boy with blond hair and crazy ideas tells a girl she is precious and she believes him; a sweet girl reminds a life friend that "it'll be okay"; a little girl angel tells all, "I've got the power" and they believe her…even as she lays her head to earthly rest, the power is still standing

Whether you come to this acceptance of live early or late….your steps on the terra ferma of this earth make a difference….

And, you just never know which steps make a difference to which person on which day and to what degree

No life lived is wasted

No death goes un-sorrowed

That homeless man at Hope Center you scooped out eggs to….he was someone's baby

That angry young woman with red hair who spews out vile cursing and then quotes God….she's someone's baby

Those lost on the road who have parents clueless to their where-abouts…they are missed

Even the ugliest hearts have someone's' heart hostage in real and genuine love

Because all who are knitted in a mother's womb are loved….

Truth

As sure as blood courses through a vein is truth….someone is loved, someone will live, someone will die

What counts in our hearts and keeps us small~stepping forward is how we spend our days

Between the dash

Just like the poem (Google it….The Dash)

I have come to appreciate in these past 37 days that there is nothing I can do which really matters but that there is nothing I can do to stop something I do from mattering to someone at some time

Or….in short, while I may not realize what I am doing or saying matters, it may be just the very thing to matter to someone that day 

That is short knowledge which has come to me as I spend time pondering life….and death and dying and birth and living

We don't know

We just don't ever know when something we say or do might just be exactly what another fellow-dying-person might need at just that exact moment

So, in our acceptance that we are dying…we live

And, in our living….we make a difference, whether we know it or not

And, isn't that what makes our life worth living?

Practicing living gives hope to our dying

Because, when we truly do lay down our head on that soft pillow for the final time…

It's what we do with our moments in joyful sharing….in authentic caring….in faithful praying which folks will cling fast to

No one really wants to remember the bad in a life

I don't think

What we want to do for others is the same we want done for us…

Please fellow travelers…lifelong friends…family members…stranger who I gave a quarter to…

Please remember my good

Your good

Dig through your heart spring of life and find a morsel of good in me, in you….so that

My dying…your dying will be a blessing…..

My life…your life will be a gift

Because in this truth, we are all soul-mates

As surely as we are born….all knit tightly in our mother's womb

We will die….

We are dying

So, let's make our dying be our joyful-living one moment at a time…..

Blessings,

Lesa

I have a confession to make…

And, I'm not proud of it….

If you go to my Kindle which I received as a gift in 2010 for my birthday, you will see "Shades of Grey" listed in the book list.  Not only will you see the book, but, I have read it.

Worse than that, I automatically ordered the additional two books because I am a voracious reader who loves to read all books in a series, so I assumed this would be no different.

Now, before some of you become defensive in your own mind or others of you rush to judge me…

I want to ask for grace

If you choose to read them and go to the movie, I won't judge (I cannot judge for I am unworthy)

If you are a staunch supporter of not reading them and will not go to the movie, I won't praise you (praises from me are meaningless, I am no one to follow)

What each of us chooses to do with our time, our mind, our hearts and our souls is a personal decision and frankly, in most situations, is a private personal decision.

Whether you are a woman of faith or not, you are a woman with free will and free choice 

And, I personally believe that free will came at a great price…one which I hold sacred more and more each passing day

I read Book one of Shades of Grey at a time in my life when I had grown hardened to worldly things and worldly ways and worldly words…it happened slowly

I grew up on soap operas, even more soap operas in college, historical romances and moving to a book like Shades of Gray was just another rung on the ladder.  

I had been exposed to a significant other's walk down a path which damaged our relationship so much that it ended….poorly….and without God's blessing, all hidden behind a white-picket fence which still stands in another's yard even today

I don't ever want to be in that position again

But, it is a battle

Guarding my heart requires a "work of art" effort every single day of my life

I wish that I could tell you that I always was and am pristine in my current reading selections, but I am not

Sometimes, I find that I read a book….get to the point where I realize it is not going to go down a path which is appropriate and yet, I finish the book….every word. 

More times than not, I am able to pull myself away and that is mercy in my life, sure as anything, from a power higher than my own

I love to read three books at one time….an educational book, a religious based book and a historical romance book….it's the historical romance books and the like which can cause me to stumble if I am not careful…and, they are cheap….cheaper than Christian fictional romance books….WHY is that?

The same applies to movies I watch, people I listen to, choices I make in friendships, confidants and soul-companions I hold close

For some reason, reading about Mary and Ruth and Esther does not have the same pull of my interest as that Anastasia and Mavis and Madeline Ashton

I cannot tell you exactly why that is….but, I know that the same pull which draws me to the latter is the same pull which leaves me feeling shallow and hollow and empty….and unbeautiful and even more unlovely and unGodly

I wonder…..does it really matter?

Yes….

It matters to me, to my heart, to my soul

And, just as important, it matters to those whom I love

My daughter, my sons….my husband…..my family….my God

Who I am at the heart level matters….

I know this as much as I know anything in my life

When we sacrifice our heart's holiness at the altar of the world's unholiness, there is a consequence which will be lived out in our daily walk upon this earth

A worldly life accumulates within in us, not in possessions that we can keep and use and enjoy, but as a bitter hollowness which pulls us down into a darkness which we cannot explain nor in which we can thrive

This is truth….I see it daily

Since I have become a student these past few years…of clinical mental health counseling….we discuss frequently the dark abyss which so many have fallen in to….

How can we help?  How can we personally avoid doing the same?

So many have opened doors which once opened are so very difficult to close, if that can at all happen

So many have been impacted by others who have walked down paths which have caused such bruising of their own souls that in turn, they have only pain and sorrow to pour out on others, even those who they love and hold dear

Am I saying that one, three-volume series of books can ruin a nation?

No

But, when we take our minds and our souls and our hearts to places where there is not foundation for goodness, then we scratch away at our woman-hood in a way which erodes the light which is within each of us, and it is that light which fires fruitful and beautiful living

I know not a single woman of whom I call a friend who has not been hurt by either her own or another's decision to give way to the call of this world

And, the call of the world comes to us in many forms, most of which are dressed in ways which are unrecognizable until it is too late…

I can tell you from personal experience having read Book one of Shades of Grey….what I gained from reading the book is nothing, but what I lost in self-respect, self-discovery and personal integrity is not something I want to pursue Valentine's day 2015

My heart

My soul

My personhood

That is where my treasures lay….all within the foundation of a Holy God

It is a daily process, this laying down what I hold sacred…I will stumble, I will fall and at times, I will meet with success…

So…

For me….For Lesa

I will pass this movie "opportunity"

Blessings,

Lesa

As Only Your Mama Can                                                                      July 7, 2014

Since my surgery on June 20th, I have come to appreciate the garage door of our home in a new way….

My children do not have keys to our home; rather, they use a keypad to let themselves in and out and thus, our garage door gets a serious work-out most days. 

It is a nice door, heavy, solid and substantial with faux wood-grain brownish stain which perfectly matches the outdoor brick of our home.  It has a new set of springs due to being overworked, likely caused by its abundant use.

I never gave much thought to our garage door until I came home post-surgery and it became the "gate-keeper" of my family's comings and goings.

As I lie on our couch or sit in my "mama chair", I can hear the pregnant noise the garage door makes as it labors to open and close at the request of my three children….and, even of my husband who does have a key.

What once was an annoying interruption to my days and nights, has now become a comfort as it plays gate-watchman for my children's activities.

Like a symphony, the deep hum that I hear is music to my ears and it is this mother's "patient" delight to try to guess who will come through the door to greet me…

Living at a snail's pace has become my lot in life these past three weeks, and sadly, may become my lot for another four or five.  I confess to a serious sorrow upon learning that the "boo boo" during my recent surgery will likely require a starting over with a second repair surgery and more time for recovery….

And, I ask myself daily….

Why?

But, the real question is 

Why not?

I am not a cancer patient struggling through chemo nor am I a young girl being held hostage in a foreign country.  I am not the leader of the US with a burden to grow in character nor am I a child in Mexico who is struggling to survive against a sea of troubles.  

Perspective really is everything.

It's tempting to feel sorry for myself…this sitting all day with little movement.  This injury from surgery which means a new surgery, new specialized surgeon and ever burdening financial set back.

But, I don't because what I realize as I sit inside my well-cooled home on my nice leather couch or my precious "Mama chair", is that I have all to be grateful for…

My parents are healthy, my siblings do well, my nieces and nephews are growing and blossoming.  My friends have gold hearts and my employers are faithfully patient.  There is a car sitting ready for me to drive if needs must and a load of books and Bible studies to occupy my mind.

My mind is free to think

The alone time I have enables me to rest

The quiet in my home is a gift to my soul

And, the evidences of love toward me from family and friends lays about our home in the form of food in our fridge, calls to my phone, flowers on our tables and cards on our mantle.

I am loved

And, that is all which matters…..

I am not good at being on the receiving end of another's blessings

But, I am learning to be…

I am not gracious when feeling down and lean toward self-preservation 

But, I am learning to open my door to those who would share their kindness with me

Even in recovery….

Even when that recovery is required twice..

There are lessons to be learned

Lessons such as appreciating the small blessings in life….the use of one's senses to take fully into myself love poured out on me and my family…

Lessons such as being gracious in receiving

And, in growing a peaceful heart in the waiting

And, in enjoying the faithful groaning of our garage door which signals the arrival of one of my precious ones….coming in from the outside world, happily hollering, "Mama, are you there?"

Yes, this recuperation time…..although not perfect…..

It is a blessing….

And, I have grown to love that door….and to appreciate those bodies that come and go through it keeping pace with life and touching base with me…

And, to think, at one time, I had asked Ian if it could be oiled so as not to make such noise…

Noise I now value because I have a new perspective….

Blessings,

Lesa